SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Guess who’s back? Oh, it’s just ‘Ms. I’m Going to ask for advice and not listen to any of it but you were right and now I’m broken hearted’. This has been true for me on this site from discovering infidelity, the divorce process, this recent horrible dating experience…. All the same. I’m sensing a trend here!!

I think I’m just looking for a little support. I posted back in August about the lame-o I was dating and subsequently some kind of effed up in love with. As per above, I did not listen, I did not end the relationship and kept jacking around until he FREAKING GHOSTED me in December. (*Basically ghosted. But wait, there’s more.) I would ask, "who does that?" but apparently a lot of people do; I’ve heard and read about it far too often.

Wow, I just started to type out the more details and yowza! On paper, that was absolute crazy town. Also, you guys don’t want to read all that crap. Just trust me, I wish it would have been a proper ghosting.

Cliffs Notes version – Not a proper ghosting. He continued to reach out. I was good at NC. Then I was very VERY bad at NC. In general, I was an idiot. He’s a user asshole player. I finally had to block his number and delete his contact information. Like just this past weekend. I feel mostly proud of myself but a small part of me is still struggling with it all, missing him, etc.

My picker is hard broke. I’m co-dependent. I’m a people pleaser. I’m a nurturer. I just want everyone to be happy and damn it, I will be the one to make sure you are happy.

I am currently residing in self-imposed relationship jail – maximum security unit. I’ve put a year sentence on myself but am absolutely open to and leaning towards extending that sentence indefinitely.

I’m legitimately looking forward to doing all the things I didn’t prioritize when I was with lame-o. Minor construction projects, etc. I had a ‘sorry for not being my best for you’ speech with the kids even though most of my time with lame-o was when they were with their dad so that was maybe weird. I’ve already made the time to spend with other family and friends and apologized for choosing lame-o over them. Because I’m blessed far more than I deserve, they all welcomed me with open arms and were more understanding than I could have hoped. I even had a heart-to-heart with my dog and apologized to him for making him wait so long for me sometimes! I think I took that one a little too far, he was freaked out when I got down on the floor and held him, crying…. He’s not a hugger.

All in all, I feel like I’ve just been put through the wringer. It’s over but I’m still in a bit of a daze and catching my breath. I’m feeling very hopeful but also really stupid, disappointed in myself and just sad, and a little lonely. I can’t wait for this part to be over.

I am currently residing in self-imposed relationship jail – maximum security unit. I’ve put a year sentence on myself but am absolutely open to and leaning towards extending that sentence indefinitely.

I love this. And GOOD. Spoil YOU. Take care of YOU. Date YOU. Work on your self-relationship until it's so damn strong that no one can ever fuck with it.

My picker is hard broke. I’m co-dependent. I’m a people pleaser. I’m a nurturer. I just want everyone to be happy and damn it, I will be the one to make sure you are happy.

Ehhh, I don't think your picker's broke, it's just glitchy. Cus the last time you were here you DID know that he was no good. You KNEW that. You just ignored your gut and your gut. always. knows. There's nothing inherently wrong with being a people pleaser or a nurturer. The issues come in when you do those things at the expense of your own peace and well-being. Boy do I get that too! I'm an adult child of an alcoholic and a BW - I SOOOOO get that. The trick is to embrace healthy selfishness - put YOUR peace and happy first, before anyone else's. That's what fills your cup. And set very hard boundaries for yourself and stick to them. All of that is way easier said than done.

All in all, I feel like I’ve just been put through the wringer. It’s over but I’m still in a bit of a daze and catching my breath. I’m feeling very hopeful but also really stupid, disappointed in myself and just sad, and a little lonely. I can’t wait for this part to be over.

You aren't stupid at all. You took a chance and that takes a lot of bravery and courage to do, especially after infidelity. Don't beat yourself up.

I’m going to echo Ellie on this. I see a brave woman who is willing to look at her latest relationship, identify where she betrayed herself, and do better next time. Impressive>! And yes, take some time to lick your wounds and figure out why you ignored the red flags the you yourself saw and identified.

You are going to heal from this and be all the better for it. Be proud of yourself for ending that and being willing to demand more. Because you deserve it.

I truly think it's so important to get your life to a point where you are so happy single that the only way you'll want a significant other in your life is if they are making it better. I think that sounds pretty simplistic but I really believe it.

Love and spoil yourself, do the things you wanna do. Big hugs!!

You're not failing anything. You are still in class that's all. I agree with Jana that it is healthy to get to a place where you are happy on your own. It will save you from a world of future hurt.

I was just like you. I put up with nightmare relationships after my divorce, because I was hell bent on proving to the world that I was lovable. I didn't think I was unless I had a guy to prove it.

As proof that you can learn otherwise and nothing bad happens, about 23 years ago I dated a great guy. He was kind, smart, employed and treated me well. Our only real issue was that we both had daughters around the same age that were very different, and didn't get along and he ended it. I had a couple more relationships after him in which I allowed them to use me. After that I never dated again and got help for codependency.

That nice guy from 23 years ago has slowly started to come back into my life. It's just friendship sort of. I think he would like more but neither of us want to change our lives. Last weekend he came over to run an issue past me that he wanted my advice on. I took out a loaf of homemade bread which he raved about and jokingly said "Cool. What else can you make me?" I said "Absolutely nothing. I no longer cook on demand." His response was "Good for you! It's about time!" There was a long time I would have started making a meal for him or whoever else I was dating trying to please them. But I don't anymore and nothing bad happened. It is wonderful to be in a place where you are in control of your life. When that happens, jerks don't effect you anymore.

I was alone for about two years just by design of how long my separation and divorce was. I did not want to date while still married.

It was hard but overall I needed that alone time to reset, recalibrate, and remember WHO I WAS without asshat defining everything about me.

You’ll be really glad you spent this time with yourself, and your picker will reset itself naturally.

Good for you!