SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DDay - 2/1/2023 but its been obvious for months now.

I just feel so alone and worthless everyday now. I have no one but her. Yes, I have family but none that I have told. I have one friend who knows who checks in on my every once in a while but no one understands where I am and its so fucking painful. Have some mutual friends who she told... who seem to be more like her party buddies now and helping her to avoid me or much else right now..My ONS WW shows little love for me but says she loves me, no understanding - says that I'm being cotrolling, no compassion - I just want her to hold me and tell me it will be ok. Fuck I've even thougth "I want my mommy" how pathetic is that?

Im in IC, WW is in IC, We've done 1 MC session.

anyway - Just introducing myself. Sense that I'll be spending some time here in the future.

I am sorry you are here...she had a "ONS" and isn't falling over herself to seek forgiveness for a "mistake." Especially since your wife is clearly not remorseful and/or doing whatever possible for you, I would suggest a hard 180 (look into this if unfamiliar). Take time to consider what is in your best interest, she isn't considering you so you have to look after yourself in every way.

Your instincts will want to take control to make it better, but you can't, she is broken. Her infedility is on her not you.

I could have written these sentiments eight years ago, my Discovery Day (D-Day). That feeling of being alone unable to commiserate with anyone who could truly understand and not judge, until I showed up here.

You’ll feel right at home here in our community of fellow betrayed spouses (BS) and some very wise and wonderful Ex Wayward Spouses (WS) who provide excellent insight from the other side.

Pull up a beanbag chair and get familiar with the place. Hit the Healing Library, brush up on the rules of the forum and then, start from the beginning. Tell us how long you’ve been married, any kids, and the evolution of the affair. Others will be along. Listen to them with an open mind. Many years of crowd sourced experience here. Some advice and analysis may not exactly fit your particular situation. That’s ok. Process what fits and simply leave the rest. Some advice may sound harsh. That’s ok also. It‘s usually sincerely well intentioned tough love. Sometimes we get little emotional when we see someone heading towards dangerous waters.

I’m going to get right to it and talk a bit about this:

[She]says that I'm being controlling, no compassion

This is typical cheater deflection straight out of the "Cheaters Playbook". It’s very effective at distracting you from who, really, is the victim here. She’s cleverly making herself the victim reversing the order of operations backasswards from what should be happening if you two ever have a chance at Reconciliation (R).

Hey disco.
Sorry you had to find us. The loneliness is hard. I’m glad you are in IC.
Now you really need to take care of you. Are there other friends or family you can confide in?
Also, make sure you are taking care of yourself physically as it really impacts your mental and emotional health.
Eat healthfully, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol, get some exercise every day, and get sleep. if you are struggling with eating, try protein shakes. If you are having trouble sleeping, talk to your doctor. infidelity trauma is real and it does a number on us.

When you are ready, share more about your situation. For now, find all the bullseye posts in this forum and the healing library. And know that this is 100% on her— and that you will be okay. As bad as it feels now, you will be okay.

sending strength-

I'm also sorry you are here. As you can tell from my username I too felt horribly lonely for a long time. It does get better with time and taking care of yourself. Where does your relationship stand now? Is you WW still "with" you? Is there any family you feel safe talking to?

For a long time I told no one - and it was my choice to keep it to myself - but I do with I had reached out sooner. I thought I was protecting myself and my WH - but in reality I was isolating myself. I know it's hard - please keep posting!

JDisco,

So glad you posted. My DDay is 2/2/23, but just like you, I now realize it was obvious long before I had to admit it.

I totally get the desire to keep this private right now; you might not always feel that way. But you have to tell your story, and I am glad that you are in IC and found us. I hope that you find the same comfort in knowing you are not alone that I have found here.

If you have not already done so, explore the healing library. There are some useful guides there. I think the most important one for me has been the article "Before you say reconcile, Recover."

Everyone's experience will be different, so I will just share a few things that have helped me in the past few weeks. Like you, I have spent the last month trying to process an immense betrayal that has shattered my self-confidence. There is a stage of recovery that has to happen before I can decide on what this means for my marriage. Another person on this site recommended the book Infidelity: The Best Worst Thing to Happen to your Marriage. My spouse and I are reading it together by chapter and discussing it, and that has been helpful (but we have just started). The thing I love about this book is the focus is NOT on saving the marriage; it is about recovering and understanding what happened so you can arrive at the point where you decide to stay or leave and feel confident in that decision. That time and space to process has been really helpful--for both of us. I think it is working better for us, at least, than couples counseling (but we are both in IC--that is essential!). I do not know if I will choose to reconcile or divorce at the end of this process, but I am more and more sure that I will have recovered enough at the point of deciding so that I can take what I need to know from this experience to be a happier person in some future where I can come to closure about this. That is a long way off, but there is something powerful in feeling that can be recovery, even if I am not sure what form it will take.

I know that I have struggled a lot with feeling that my spouse does not express the blistering level of remorse he owes me. I have realized, though, that some of that is less about what he really feels (deep shame and confusion at realizing he became someone he never imagined he would become) than about how he is defending himself from those feelings. Like you, my WS also struggles at times to confront the scale of damage he has done, but for us, the book has helped with that. Having this other voice explain what infidelity is and what it does means that the scale of the betrayal is clear.

Again, your path and your marriage is different than mine. What I want you to know is that you are not alone. We are one day apart in this, and I am only where I am because of the support of the people on this site.

You did not cause this. It did not happen because of anything YOU did. Infidelity is never a legitimate response, even to real issues in a marriage.

We are here for you. You are worthy. You are the prize. You are the one that lived up to the vows. I am sending you a virtual hug right now (because I need one too)!

oh RecklessForgive you seem like you have it so together!
virtual hug back.

jDisco, only because today is a good day.

And I have spent an insane amount of time on this forum.

One day at a time. When needed, one breath at a time.

Jdisco

In a lot of your posts alcohol seems to be floating around…
She had the ONS when out drinking with some friends. Friends she meets regularly with to drink. You drink and mention how you decided to reconcile when drinking. All-in-all… it does sound like drink is a major factor in your life, her life and therefore the marriage.

You mention a 10 year daughter, so I’m assuming you guys aren’t in your early twenties. Well… as life moves on most people move on from the obligatory night out with friends every Friday and Saturday. We reach a stage where we work all day and when we come home we need to buy groceries, cook dinner, clean, help kid with homework… Basically its no longer just "you". We stay home Friday evening because we are tired, and we are taking daughter to soccer-practice, or the park, or visiting the in-laws, or working that extra job, or doing the garden, or fixing that slipping clutch on the old car to make it last one more year. We stay home because we have the mortgage, medical, utilities… and we can’t spend a fortune every week on booze at the local watering hole. We can’t spend hours hung-over at the cost of time spent with family.

As a couple it’s important to have your friends and your social life. But honestly – it should sit at a distant third spot. After time with family, and after time with spouse. If you had three things that are lined up for tonight: Going to your daughters ballet dance, taking your wife out for date-night or meeting up with Bubba and the gang to catch a game and some suds… Bubba better reschedule…
Your wife shouldn’t be hanging out on anything like a regular schedule with drinking buddies. Not any more than you. Or I. Life goes on, behaviors and priorities change. Move on.

You mention cutting back on drinking. You also mention separation.
Well… I’m going to suggest sobriety.
Not necessarily forever. You do some soul-searching and if you don’t think you are alcoholic then I’m fine with you not committing to eternal sobriety. But… for your own sake and the sake of your family then commit to 30 days of absolute sobriety. Extend that to 60 if you like, but monitor yourself on how hard – or easy – that commitment is.
Ask your wife to do the same. Thirty days of sobriety. Thirty days where she gives her family precedence over alcohol or the "friends".

I have a theory that an active alcoholic (and maybe one or either of you might be that – or maybe not) isn’t capable of reconciling because the priority will always be the buzz, the alcohol. Cut that out of the equation and all of a sudden you both might have the ability to deal with your situation – be that result divorce or reconciling.

You could be right, Bigger.

I'll say that its a big part of both our lives. We're mostly home bodies who drink together .. nightly. I honestly been fearful of what life, if any, we'd have together witout it considering everythign else going on and so I've been reluctant to suggest anything like this. However, given recent events - I'm leaving for at least a week and I'll see what sobriety I can find on my own. As for her... I don't see it happening.

I’m going to suggest sobriety.

Bigger raises an excellent point. My spouse and I made that choice and it really has helped.

As Bigger suggests; drop the alcohol.

"Alcoholic" or not, alcohol is a toxic substance, and its overuse will obsure clarity and delay healing.

What you think alcohol is doing for you is the opposite of what it is doing *to* you.

Everything fell into place when I stopped drinking. Everything. And I thought I was a "casual" drinker. But I was drinking to escape. and you can't heal when you're not really present.

Maybe talk to your IC about this.

All the best.

We're mostly home bodies who drink together .. nightly. I honestly been fearful of what life, if any, we'd have together witout it considering everythign else going on and so I've been reluctant to suggest anything like this

If alcohol is the only thing that's keeping your marriage together, then it's already doomed. In fact, it might actually be impossible to sober up while you're together because you're enabling each other's addiction and are using alcohol both as salve for emotional pain and as a bonding activity... with disastrous results.

Your daughter does not deserve to be raised in a home where both of her parents are wasted every night, regularly having volatile arguments, and engaging in dangerous, reckless behavior. For goodness sake, what if there was an emergency and there wasn't a sober adult in the house to deal with it? What if you end up in jail because you killed someone while driving drunk?

You can't control you wife's drinking, but you have 100% control over whether you do. Doesn't your daughter deserve at least 1 sober parent?

Hi Jdisco. I'm sorry you had to find your way here. I relate to your story for so many ways.

One thing I want to bring up is this:

I just want her to hold me and tell me it will be ok. Fuck I've even thougth "I want my mommy" how pathetic is that?

This is not pathetic. Your feelings are completely normal, just after D-Day feelings. Of course you feel alone. Your primary person and even some (all?) of your mutual friends have betrayed you. Through no fault of your own, a deep and sustaining connection has been severed. We all need someone to hold and support us. I am so sorry that people you've trusted have fallen so short.

On DDay, my mommy was the first person I called. The OW got in touch with her mommy right away, too. Both caught the earliest possible flights to come support. It seems that women have special permission to run to mommy and still consider themselves strong. You had the same impulse, again, a very normal impulse, and you are certain this means you're "pathetic."

It's not pathetic to be in crisis and want someone who loves you unconditionally to comfort and support you. You are worthy of compassion.

There are amazing people here on SI in all stages of surviving this. They'll always be here.

I hope you can remember that none of this is your fault, that every human being needs to feel loved and comforted, and I hope you reach out to people and give them a chance to help you through this. You're worthy.

This is not pathetic. Your feelings are completely normal, just after D-Day feelings. Of course you feel alone. Your primary person and even some (all?) of your mutual friends have betrayed you. Through no fault of your own, a deep and sustaining connection has been severed. We all need someone to hold and support us. I am so sorry that people you've trusted have fallen so short.

On DDay, my mommy was the first person I called. The OW got in touch with her mommy right away, too. Both caught the earliest possible flights to come support. It seems that women have special permission to run to mommy and still consider themselves strong. You had the same impulse, again, a very normal impulse, and you are certain this means you're "pathetic."

I want to echo what HPFP said. My mom died years ago so I couldn't go to her but the first person I called on Dday was my dad. It's a completely normal response.

So sorry that you're lonely.

Gently, if you open up and participate more in this forum you may not feel so lonely.

I also agree with everyone else that you should cut of the alcohol.

Sending strength.

Jdisco

I want to stick to this thread despite your recent posting in Divorce/Separation forum because it’s on a subject I broached on this thread.

Alcohol…

Now – I’m not stating that this is the issue in your relationship… but it might be.

I have been here for some years and seen numerous instances of marriages falling apart.
As a law-enforcement officer I saw on a near-daily basis the destruction and power of addiction.
In my personal life I have experienced friends, acquaintances and family that have had to deal with addiction.
As a sometimes volunteer in a program for young recovering addicts I have seen the consequences of addiction…

Personally, I don’t deal with alcoholism and other than a possible addiction to buying fly-fishing gear I’m relatively sane and mentally healthy… I can have an occasional drink, maybe even get a buzz going, but don’t drink at work, when driving, can refuse a drink, go out with friends without having alcohol, let it impact my family or anything of that nature. I’m one of the lucky ones that doesn’t have an addiction issue.

OK – with that foreword:

I think that a person dealing with addiction (like alcoholism) isn’t capable of committing to a marriage the way a person should commit to a marriage.
I think that because of this the addict will chose conflict and the drug of choice over the relationship.
In your case it sounds like both of you have issues with alcohol…
This might therefore apply to both of you, but for NOW I’m focusing on your wife. Maybe because she had the ONS.

We have this vision of alcoholism where we might remember our uncle Bob who always smelled funny, was the life of the party for maybe an hour before becoming the semi-blacked out guy trying to pick a fight before passing out in the garden, having pissed his pants. Or the old woman living in a box by the mall. We might even know someone that always smells of alcohol or mouth-wash that functions, but sometimes sneakily reaches for a nondescript bottle of very think-looking cola in the office-desk drawer.

Yet those that deal with alcoholism will quickly share that those aren’t the typical alcoholics… There are about as many definitions as there are Bourbon-based cocktails, ranging from purely psychological to purely physiological and I wont go into them per se. What I will say is that an alcoholic is likely to think and focus on drink some time before the first sip of that session, despite knowing it’s going to lead to issues and have consequences.
The way one described it to me: When you (Bigger) have a beer you might be thinking "this is the last one this evening" whereas he (the alcoholic) was already thinking "gee – there were only four left in the cooler… where do I get some more?"

I have seen cases – repeatedly – here on SI where I suspect the WS is having an affair simply to divert the issues from the drinking. Where the WS thinks that if they can get the betrayed spouse to focus on the infidelity they can carry on drinking. Often the AP is also the drinking partner, but the focus is on the addiction rather than the infidelity.

Jdisco – if your wife wanted this marriage she should be thinking "what can I do to save it" and not "how can I still meet the gang for drinks and convince Jdisco nothing is going on"

Asking someone to drop what should be a social event to benefit a marriage… That’s not a big ask.
But the response could strongly indicate the persons priorities.

You can’t make her stop drinking. I’m not even going to claim she is an alcoholic. What is clear though throughout your posts is that alcohol is very much in the forefront.

I said I would focus on her… well… back to you…
Stop drinking. Try it. Stop NOW. Decide to remain sober for 30 days. Not a beer, not a joint, not a small glas of Chablis with the fish… NO ALCOHOL or NO DRUGS. Sober.
Mark each day on a piece of paper on the fridge. Count them. 30. Then evaluate how you are feeling each day. At about the 25 day mark think: Am I already anticipating the opening of a can of suds on the 31st day?
Evaluate if you have a problem. Is that problem a drinking pattern problem or is it just plain-old-alcoholism? Be honest with yourself because there is only one winner and one loser – and that’s you.

Your wife? Well… If she wants to separate then separate. Only make sure there is a goal with the separation and that everything is crystal clear. Who stays where? Who has the daughter and on what days? Who pays what? Joint accounts? Joint assets? Frankly IMHO if you reach a stage where separation doesn’t have a very clear purpose for future reconciliation you might as well file for divorce. After all – you really need to deal with and clarify all the same issues.

For example: You separate and your wife goes and runs a 1000 buck bar-bill on the credit-card… Six months from now the bank will come knocking on YOUR door. You want issues like this clarified before they become an issue.

You can’t make her sober. But you can outline that as an attempt to reconcile you want joint sobriety. If she’s not willing to do that… well… see above regarding separation, only change separation to divorce IMHO. The Big D isn’t instantaneous – it takes time – and during that time you can always push pause, rewind or even stop. But IMHO without sobriety you two are doomed for repeat after repeat after repeat.