SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Quick question to anyone I'm thinking about having my husband do a polygraph test if you guys had this done to seek answers of truthfulness do you feel it's worth doing I want to believe him that he will never cheat again or that he feels bad is this a good idea?

It won't tell you he will never cheat again. And it won't tell you if he feels bad. His actions, if he works on himself, isn't defensive, or angry,and is willing to work on why he cheated,and understands it takes 3 to 5 years to heal from this..will tell you if he feels remorse.

What the polygraph will tell you is if he invited OW to the hotel room with the intention of having sex,if he has been honest about everything he's said to you since dday,if he has remained NC with her,and if he's had other affairs.

They're 100% worth it. If you want to attempt reconciliation, you must have a foundation of truth.

Understand, most ws will say they'll take the test. To say no makes it obvious he's still lying. They hope that,by saying yes, the bs will think they're not lying,and will cancel the test. There's also the parking lot confession, where the ws waits until they know they can't get out of the test,so they vomit a painful truth,hoping the bs will cancel the test. Always follow through with the test.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:08 PM, Saturday, April 22nd]

I don’t think a poly will give you what you are looking for. It will not verify feelings or intentions. It will help validate a written timeline.

As far as never cheating again, that is something that will always be a possibility. When my WW would say "I’ll never cheat again" I would cringe, that’s not what I wanted to hear. I wanted her to promise to protect the M. Not cheating again means she can walk up to the line, just not cross it.

A’s are highly addictive, there is a withdraw process and if not properly handled relapse is likely. An alcoholic can vow to "never drink again". That means he can walk in a bar and put a drink in his hand as long as he doesn’t take a drink. No, he should protect his sobriety and never go near a bar again.

I’m not expecting her to cheat again, but I will always remember what she is capable of. She has to always protect the M.

Hi diva,

I am sorry that you have had to find us. Infidelity is so difficult to deal with. And it does hurt.

I read through a number of your posts. I sincerely do not think you’re going to get any value out of a polygraph. I know a lot of people here talk about them and use them, I’m not sure it always makes sense.

It is clear that your husband has cheated, it also seems likely that he is still cheating with this person and that your husband has a drinking problem

I suggest that you do the following:

- Acknowledge that you cannot change him. You cannot make him stop cheating. You cannot make him stop drinking.

- Stop talking or approaching the AP. She is a piece of garbage and it’s not worth your time.

- Recognize that you have value. I sincerely think you need to tell him stop or we’re getting a divorce, and sayyou have two days to decide. And if he decides to stop his affair, he has a long to do list. Such as getting help with both his drinking problem, and to get his ass into a counselor. Anyone who likes the kind of attention from another woman because it is attention, will do it again, with anyone. He needs to go to a counsellor to understand why he needs this attention. This is not your problem, none of these are your problems, they are his and let him fix them. He needs to prove to you that he is a worthy husband and worthy of reconciliation. if he doesn’t follow through with your conditions, or if he cheats again, that’s a dealbreaker, and you might as well head off to divorce court.

- you need to decide if you can work through this. If he’s cheating is a dealbreaker, there’s no point in continuing the marriage.

For me, there are a number of red flags here. He seems not at all remorseful. He isn’t ready to be a good husband in my mind. He has a lot of work to do. I really think you need to do what is right for you. And that’s not easy to think through.

Please keep posting. Everyone has a different view. If you don’t like what I’ve said, no worries it is just a different perspective from a different set of experiences. I wish you the very best.

Diva

It’s way too early for a poly and like others have shared it wont give you what you are seeking.
Polygraphs do NOT give you the truth. What they can strongly indicate is if the person asked is being honest. Big difference. Like if your husband thinks 2+2=5 then he will pass with a "no" if asked "is 2+2=4?" despite no being the wrong answer.
They are great tools to use when your spouse insists he’s been 100% truthful and you need to confirm that. But then all they do is support the WS claim of honesty, or refute it.

Thank you for the information and after talking with the polygraph examiner he basically told me it's not 100 percent and I already know he cheated so the details are still unclear it's that he did it that's what I need to figure out if I can move past this he isn't still seeing her as well as she quit working with him I do know that for sure I have him very well monitored to make myself feel safer I do still have some doubts to his truth but we have made some progress in 6 months but yes I still keep my guard up pretty high I do want to believe he is very remorseful for his actions but a small part of me will always feel like he betrayed and disappointed me.