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I woke up from a sound sleep a few hours ago. I haven't done this in a while. After about a half hour of trying to go back to sleep...I reached for my phone and saw the date...May 1. Now I get it.

May is when my H's A started...9 years ago. He didn't meet the adultery co-conspirator until May 11...and they didn't get to fuck until June...but it wasn't from a lack of trying. Many "firsts" happened for them in May...first date...first kiss...etc.

When all of this came to light...the following year...January of 2015...was excruciating for me. It meant that I was going to have to go through the months of May-July. After a few years that despair went away. But the feeling of dread when May 1st rolled around still remained for another few years.

I used to do a journal of sorts on here...EVERY YEAR...starting on May 1st until my Dday...July 19th. My lil bro...Unhinged...challenged me last year to NOT do one this year!! I accepted that challenge...and y'all will be happy to know that you don't have to see any thread like that from me THIS year. Sort of...LOL!!

I came on here to write about why this happened. I KNOW what it is...I write about it often. My limbic system has kept track of the experience I have had with this particular day. Lizard brain went into hyper drive and woke me up!! I KNOW how to combat it. I can have a GOOD experience today...and that will calm my lizard brain in the future. It's harder than it seems though...as most of us already KNOW.

When I got on here...the FIRST thread I saw when looking at the different Forums on the main page is the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread that is pinned at the top of this Forum!! I am the unofficial cheerleader for that thread...as most of you already KNOW as well!! That was an extremely GOOD experience!! Then I read the posts from SoveriegnCrux and Notaboringwife...and I SMILED.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I KNOW that it was meant for me to wake up when I did...get on here when I did...and read what I did. Thank You God!!! Surprisingly...not surprisingly...I am now sleepy again...LOL!! But my alarm will go off in 10 minutes for me to start my day...so maybe I will plan for a little afternoon nap later. Or not. I just KNOW that I am in control of MY thoughts...and TODAY...will be a POSITIVE one for me!!

Ah, yes, May 1 – very triggering day for me too (I’m not comfortable with making the reasons public). Thankfully, it’s a public holiday where I live, so over the years I managed to reclaim it. I have plenty of nice memorable experiences that happened on this day, so my lizard brain is calm. Nevertheless, it’s a reminder, but so are many other things, and that makes it insignificant. When it rains, look for rainbows. There’s one specific rainbow about this day, a kind of a karma-is-a-bitch rainbow, which brings an evil grin to my face. I allow it since it’s harmless, and it makes me feel just a little bit better about myself.

Want2BHappyAgain, I wish you a beautiful day and a good afternoon nap! Your post made me smile, as I know you got this!

Well done W2BHA!

Owning your time, your mind and your joy on a very triggery month. Especially when your mind is keeping its own hidden mind files, destined to open on various dates.

I run into that as well. Mine is a different season. But I also have these hidden mind files of the many other "events" Mr Uxor had with his COW. Sometimes I even get the bonus mind-movie re-run. Yayyy…NOT!

Then I play a little self reflection game:

Am I pain seeking? (Answer…only if I stay there.)

Do I still have something unresolved or unanswered? (Answer…perhaps an area I could still grow, but I definitely have more answers than I needed. No need to turn over stones I already turned over.)

With introspect on some things I realized over these ten years…

Just the smell sights and sounds in various seasons, a traditional re-occurring community event, a planning of gatherings with friends or families, etc - will get that filing system in the depths of my brain (and heart) silently gliding open and sitting there all exposed and ready.

Then the mind papers of triggers and memories begin fluttering around in some horror show of the ghost winds of my mind.

Not fun! But I do now have a good grip on facing those memories and then shutting the filing drawers for another day.

Where I struggle to heal is to not react to a heavy case of envy disease! I found I was even more annoyed that Mr Uxor seems to NOT go through any of that, at least consciously. His mind gives him this magic gift of memory boxes neatly packed away in such a way that even if they open and he is feeling negative, he doesn’t know why.

He just blames some other stress around him.

And there is nothing I can do about how his mind works. That belongs to him. I didn’t create his memory system. I can’t control his memory system. And I can’t change his memory system.

And he can’t relate to the vivid persistence of mine.

I truly have an envy of him. It would be rather freeing to just have my memories stay hidden away so neatly.

It is ok to feel envy of respite from pain? I forgive myself…Who wouldn’t? But I have to handle that in a way that serves me well in healing.

So, I remind myself that knowing and facing my pain and realities is also an opportunity to be kind and gentle to myself. I get to know where I came from and to keep

strengthening my heart, mind and soul. I have the advantage of healing better if I am not in denial.

And at my healing point I look around and see, not only the realities of the past, but the blessings and beauty in my present. I embrace those.

Even the ways that Mr Uxor and I DO have love and connection.

When I consider the betrayal, the traumas, the exploitation of my authenticity amid the pattern of protection of lies…then I look at the much more vast proportion of good in my life and our marriage 10 years since his affair, I still say that we are 95% a really great marriage with a really great life. But the 5% that is not good is very dark and very toxic. And that is not allowed to fester and own me.

I can exist with both present joy and pain, and know that I own more joy in the realities of my own mind.

So. When those memories open, I free myself of the toxicity. And I not only own the blessings of my healing, but the joys of what is in my life without letting anyone intimidate or guilt me away from my happiness. (Anyone else find that out, after DDay?…that waywards are often surrounded by people that want the betrayed spouse to be miserable?…take a look around. Noticing that is a big step to owning more happiness than pain.)

So. Nope. I don’t have conveniently closed memory boxes for pain - so I own and live the greater portion of joy fearlessly. Those are my gifts of healing to myself.

I deserve them.

So do you.

And what you posted today says you know this deep down too.

Feel both. Live your joys BIGGER.

[This message edited by Uxoragain at 3:49 PM, Monday, May 1st]

Wow ladies...how AWESOME your posts are...THANK Y'ALL for that!!

Hannah47...I am sad to see this was a triggery day for you too. But having those positive memories definitely helps to combat the negative ones!! I used to read about "May Day" celebrations...they look like FUN! Here in Louisiana we Cajuns are always looking for something to celebrate...LOL! I am surprised we don't do that here...but I guess we can't do ALL the celebrations or we would never have time to do anything but play!!

Uxoragain...I like that thought of files and triggery papers. Thanks for sharing that! I am doing well today...and that is how I am going to take it...one day at a time. I have already forgotten some of the details I had written down in the calendars I made during those days of A season. I quit looking at them around year 4 I believe. I still remember most of the days that "significant" stuff happened...but I am going to NOT write them down...and maybe that will help in the future years too. I KNOW what happened...but it is in the PAST. There is no use in bringing up the PAST anymore. It is much more FUN to focus on the FUTURE!!!

Cuz,

I’m glad you are letting go of some of the baggage. It’s a journey and you have to lighten the load along the way.

I am thankful we have our lizard brain keeping watch, hopefully it’s just an annoyance now, like the smoke alarm going off while cooking dinner. It’s annoying, but I’m glad it’s there.

Thank you Coozann Tan! I never thought about our lizard brain being like a smoke alarm before...I LIKE that thought! Once we know the CAUSE for that "smoke alarm" to sound off when we don't need it anymore...such as blackening redfish on the stove...LOL...then we can take steps for it to not happen when we really don't need it...like blackening the redfish on the grill OUTSIDE!!!

I still feel it, too... a tinge to Spring, which was always my favorite time of year. Still pisses me off.

It's been eight years and I've been divorced a year (May 5th). I think by now that tinge "should" be gone. Maybe next year.

I'm so fucking proud of you, sis, for skipping you're annual trip down memory hell. Feels good to leave that shit behind you, doesn't it?

Unhinged...I can imagine spring in your area must be AWESOME!! Whatever it is that made this your favorite time of year...go forward with that. I can imagine that SOON...it will become your favorite time again!

WOW...1 year already...that is a milestone in itself. I hope each year gets even BETTER!!

It does feel pretty good to not THINK about writing stuff down this year...and I THANK YOU so much for that challenge you made last year!! There was a time when it was cathartic for me to do it as a sort of journal on here...showing how far I had come throughout the years. But I AM ready to live in the present these next few months. Every year I would blurt out, "I HATE JUNE"!! THIS year...I don't want to blurt it out...it is too negative. I want to ENJOY it!!

Thanks...AGAIN...for this lil bro! I am really looking forward to OWNING this too!!

The human mind is a fascinating thing.

Like having a clock in there we don’t know about.

I reached for my phone and saw the date...May 1. Now I get it

Wide awake indeed.

August 1 is a day that shouldn’t kick my ass, but it has a few times, as that’s the day the EA became a PA in my world.

I am glad you are indeed in charge of those feelings, you ultimately have a choice of how you want to deal with them No surprise that you’re going to find a positive way through! Nice work.

Oldwounds...ahhh my Dear Friend...thanks for chiming in with your very WISE words!!

I am glad you are indeed in charge of those feelings, you ultimately have a choice of how you want to deal with them

AMEN!!! Science gives us a clearer understanding of what we are going through during trauma like a betrayal. With this knowledge...we can make choices to constructively move forward. Positivity WORKS for me!!

To all of you still dealing with the ghosts of the past I can tell with certainty that the more you heal your own heart the less significant it becomes.
I didn't even remember some significant dates the 0ast few years. The lizard brain is at rest. Its nice to know that you are making positive progress.
Unhinged- you will get there. Your healing was a bit delayed is all.

((((And Stength)))))

Your words are always a positive challenge for me, Want2Be. I appreciate you so much. I’m dealing with some triggers of my own that I might post about, but you always put me in a better frame of mind. I’m grateful you continue to see progress on your journey.

Your words and attitude have been inspirational to me over the years.

And I love that fact that if it's gonna be May - that you are owning it! Kicking it ass and taking names and enjoying your life. Ballsy and brilliant!

To all of you still dealing with the ghosts of the past I can tell with certainty that the more you heal your own heart the less significant it becomes.

AMEN!! Thanks for that tushnurse!!

Grieving...thank you for your sweet words! I just read and replied to your post. Those are some strong triggers Dear Lay (((HUGS))). I am so happy that your day went better than you thought!!! You've GOT THIS!!!

Chaos...thank you for your sweet words too!! So far so GOOD!!!