SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Please do not father a child under these circumstances. No one should ever be pressured to have a child if they don’t feel sure about it, and you have very good reason not to feel sure.

My husband’s affair happened after 20 years of marriage, and our kids were tweens/teens. Three years out, our reconciliation is going pretty well, but if we had been in a different stage of life when it happened (ie, younger when having kids was on the table) there is NO way I would have been ready to have a kid with him after a year. NO WAY.

Her plan with her AP, even if she didn’t mean to carry it out, is deeply disturbing and understandably traumatizing for you. If you do wish to reconcile and stay on that path, you still need time to feel confident that she has changed and your relationship is stable. It is not a great sign that she feels like she can or should convince you. This is a whole other human being you’re talking about. It’s not fair to bring a kid into the world under these circumstances.

What about the AP? The one that seems like having already been a close family-friend seeing as he planed to babysit his child that you were fathering? Is he still around? Any contact with him or any friends associated with him or are you 100% certain he’s out of the picture?

Have you two done any MC since the affair?

Other than not sexting other men what has she done to improve HERSELF? Remember – nothing you did or did not do made her have this need to stray.

Frankly friend – the general rule around here is that no major joint decision that might result in long-term commitment is made in the first three years after d-day. We generally include such mundane things like not cosigning a car-lease in there, so having a kid… no… don’t do it. Not now.

1) Here's the thing: Babies die unless they get the attention they call for, and that usuallu comes from their moms. They call for a lot. That's attention that your W won't be able to give you - and R requires both BS and WS to give a LOT of attention to each other.

2) Your W seems to want you to donate sperm. What will she want from you after the kid is born? What will she want to give to you? What does she want your post-child M to be? A good M has many more years of partnership than of active parenting. Those are the years you need to think and feel about even now.

Aside from not wanting kids with your W, do you want to spend the rest of your life with her? If not, the sooner you change - either your M sitch or your wants - the better for both of you.

*****

I'm really sorry you've experienced this major betrayal. I imagine you do not feel young, but ... the Social Security Administration's actuarial table gives you a life expectancy of just short of 45 years. That's a lot of years to be in an M with someone you don't want to have kids with.

You can heal. You can survive and thrive. The unfair part of that is that you have to figure out for yourself how to thrive. That work isn't always easy, but it does pay off.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:44 PM, Wednesday, May 31st]

for the past month she has been much more proactive and it's obvious why.

So are you saying she wasn't putting nearly as much loving effort into reconciliation until recently, and you realize it's because she wants a baby, not because she genuinely wants to fix the M?

She said that she would convince me otherwise...

Spoiled. Entitled. But she doesn't sound the least bit remorseful. A baby is a human being that deserves two healthy parents, not a new convertible to show off. I don't like her attitude about parenting.

She is really willing to do anything to make it happen

The baby? But she was NOT this committed to fixing the damage she caused? Ouch.

She has always wanted kids before turning 30

So this is about her agenda, not your needs at all.

I can't tell for sure, but I get the impression you feel undervalued and used? As if she couldn't muster this energy to fix the M and fix the hurt you feel, but now that she wants to meet her self-imposed birthing deadline, she is lovebombing you to get your sperm donation? But what about the bullet wound to your soul? As Hell Fire asked, what has she done to remedy THAT?

Uggghhh. I would feel like shit too.

Do you think she genuinely wants you and values you as an H and is truly remorseful for the messed up crap she did? Or do you feel she just wants a baby and is used to getting her way? If it's the first, you have something to work with. If it's the second, you gotta get out of this M and find someone healthier.

@OwningItNow unfortunately I think you have summed it up pretty well. She has made little effort to fix things and instead focused on other distractions such as a few months ago re-homing a load of chickens (seriously) just days after telling her how down I've been feeling and that we need to take some holiday.

She is very used to getting her own way, and until d-day I loved to spoil her rotten. Now it just irritates me.

She was quite honest about how the EA came about as she wanted to have a baby and assumed I didn't want one as I kept delaying.

Some guy came along, saying all these nice things and was also wanted kids, and bang. Even though she didn't find him physically attractive, she thought she could have the best of both worlds. Me, a baby and a new "best" friend.

I know its wrong, I thought I could fix things by myself like usual, but that's not a healthy mindset or marriage.

I think I just don't want to admit our marriage has turned into a joke, or maybe It always has been. It's also why I've waited a year to tell my story.

I might read this tomorrow, once my head is clear and think otherwise, but right now I'm feeling very stupid and used.

You need to come up with a plan of action. Venting here will always be received, with empathy and understanding.

However, without a plan of action you are living in limbo, which is an untenable spot to be living under.

So, what is your plan regarding your M?
What is your plan to resolve the question of whether your WW had a PA?
What is your plan regarding your WWs desire to have a child?

If you need help coming up with a plan, people are here to help. The bottom line is that action must be taken. A passive stance roll not serve you well here.

So this is about her agenda, not your needs at all.

This.

She was quite honest about how the EA came about as she wanted to have a baby and assumed I didn't want one as I kept delaying.

So she wanted the baby from you and when that didn't pan out, she was using him for the baby and when that didn't pan out, she reverts back to you? It sounds like she only cares about her own self-imposed deadline and not about forming real relationships. Honestly, the more I think about it, the more chilling this story is. Most people who have affairs tell themself lies and blow up their life in the process. Typically the second part is unintentional. The fact that this was a strategic means to an end is truly wild. Children are not accessories. They involve an incredible amount of work, and time, sacrifice, and teamwork. If you do not feel like her priority now, you certainly will not once kids are born - and honestly, that is your best case scenario (ie. she is a devoted, loving mother). In this case, I'd be worried about what happens when the kid no longer serves whatever purpose she has for it.

I'm so sorry, none of this is fair. You deserve so much better.

To add...

It's not your responsibility to worry about her biological clock.

And I will add to Hellfire and OINs post and say that it's another symptom of the lack of work she has done. She is still unable to see the damage she has done,accept the consequences and do the work. She is still putting it on YOU to make her "happy" and give her what she wants.

A healed and healthy person can say " I want kids. You don't. This hurts buy I need to get out of this relationship". Instead she continues to plot to get what she wants no matter the damage to you.

during this time she introduced AP and we all started spending time together.

Granted, this is a bias of mine, which I actually stated in a recent post about hot buttons, but integrating the AP into the life of a BS is heinous and is a sign of no moral character. Affairs happen. People get close to others at work. Drinking happens at conventions and next thing you know a one night stand occurs. Neighbors get too close. It sucks, but the WS is doing this to fill a hole in their soul.

But when they bring the AP in the life of the BS it’s done for the sole purpose of hurting and humiliating the the BS. The two affair partners get their kicks laughing about what a stooge the BS is by doing all this right under their nose.

This is not someone you want to have a baby with, or even have in your life. Let her and her AP go and have babies together.

The fact they even entertained having him impregnate her, and you raising the child shows what kind of person she is.

It's not your responsibility to worry about her biological clock.

Absolutely true. It would be kinder to both of them and also acting with more integrity if SHE took responsibility and left the marriage, rather than making him the bad guy.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 2:20 AM, Thursday, June 1st]

right now I'm feeling very stupid and used.

I'm sorry if I am the one who made you feel this way. I did not mean to. You are NOT stupid. We all made many mistakes in the way we viewed our spouses or in what we tolerated in our relationships. I spoiled my H in many ways, and then I felt foolish when a decade into marriage I realized that he did not appreciate my generosity of spirit at all. I do, though, feel your WW is acting stupid, just as my H did. She is the one with the messed up attitude, not you. Please don't judge yourself. Nobody here is judging you.

She was quite honest about how the EA came about as she wanted to have a baby and assumed I didn't want one as I kept delaying.

Ohhhh, I see. She only acted this way because YOU were being difficult and not meeting her needs? Got it! So is that her plan in the future? To cheat whenever she feels you are not "behaving"? Cheating is a valid solution? Great! Those are some kick ass coping skills she's got!

Maybe her COPING SKILLS are the problem, not your lack of jumping through her hoops? Maybe her immaturity? Entitled nature? Selfishness?

If she says No, that those things are NOT the problem, then are you allowed to cheat when you don't feel 'heard'? Is this a recommended coping skill for you too? When you don't get the attention you need because she has a new baby, a few babies, a new job, fatigue, ailing parents, a medical condition?

I'm pretty sure she's gonna say...

No.

As we say here, nobody "makes someone" turn into a liar, cheater, user, manipulator. She CHOSE that coping mechanism, and that is the problem. It's f-ed up. She needs IC, a lot of it, to figure out why she did not choose a healthy outlet like:

Communicating with you

Marriage counseling

Journaling

Individual counseling

Talking to friends

to cope with her feelings of sadness about baby rejection. She had other healthy options that don't stab you in the back. Why didn't she choose those? Because she has issues, issues that made her a cheater, issues she needs to fix before you will feel good having a baby with her. THAT'S what you need to tell her. She needs to become a good, healthy partner, THEN you might be able to see her as the mother of your children.

I'm sorry you feel so badly. We've all walked in your shoes in one way or another. You will get through this.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 5:23 AM, Thursday, June 1st]

Honestly, I don't think I could ever have a kid with someone that planned what she did.

I agree with this wholeheartedly!!!

Your in a tough situation my friend. You have been lied to and disrespected by your wife for to get what she wants (a baby). I cannot fathom WHY she would want to have a baby with someone else but pretend it’s yours. That is twisted and downright cruel.

And now she has the nerve / audacity to want a child with you after just one year.

She doesn’t get it.

She appears selfish IMO.

As others stated NOW is NOT the time for a child.

If you tell her you are not ready I wonder what her response will be. Will she look for someone else to help her get what she wants?

I am so sorry for you. I think you really need some professional advice/counseling for this situation.

Fantasm brother, sorry to hear that you find yourself on SI. Tough situation that you find yourself in, but if I read your posts, the takeaway I get is that you are nowhere near ready to even consider having a child with this woman and you need to be honest with yourself that it may never happen for you.

She seems to be putting a lot of pressure on you to have a child, as she thinks it will distract you and "fix" things. You even said it, she is in her late 20s and conventional wisdom draws a line around 40 for a cutoff for being pregnant and having kids, but even medical science has seen women older than 40 successfully delivering healthy babies, so I think it is more than safe to say that your wife has over a decade, so the "biological clock" is not the pressing issue that she may think it is. So what if she wanted to have kids before 30? I can rightfully assume that you didn't want to ever have to deal with infidelity in your marriage at any age, let alone early 30s...so kindly, I would tell you think of it this way, screw her desire to have kids on her timeline, that is a totally selfish wayward type behavior and for you, now is the time for you to be selfish and protect yourself.

If your WW so desperately wants a child and you are not even close to being ready, she can always separate from you and go find herself an IVF clinic or get pregnant the old fashioned way with someone else who isn't you. Just make sure that if you do that, you are divorced and you will not be responsible in any way for her decision to have a child if it is not your child. It does not appear to me that you have a whole heck of a lot to work with if your wife thinks that having a baby will fix the marriage/relationship that she set on fire when she started entertaining another man putting a baby in her.

This whole story reminded me of a close friend/former colleague of mine. She had been married a few years, her and her husband had the house, the two dogs and were from the outside the perfect couple. Our colleagues were starting families and when she saw my son as a baby, she was saying that her and her husband were discussing having a family, but her husband was timid on the whole thing. A few months later, she comes into work one day totally devastated, because her husband got another woman pregnant and the reason he wasn't gung-ho about having a baby with her was because he already had one on the way and he didn't want to get caught in his affair, but getting his AP pregnant didn't give him much of a choice. He was adamant he didn't want kids with her and she was deeply hurt by the whole thing, considering he had no issues getting another woman pregnant. She divorced his ass like a boss and moved out of state where she came to work with us, only to later meet her current husband where she was able to have some of the cutest little babies and family, so I feel like her waiting to have kids with the right person worked out well for my friend and so I would urge you to proceed with a similar amount of caution.

This would be a very bad idea.

If you are still unsure she is fit to be your W, then she is unfit to be the mother of your child. I have always told my kids if someone isn’t good enough to be your spouse, then don’t make babies because they aren’t good enough for your kids either. M can be temporary, parents are forever.

Hi Fantasm,

I am concerned about your reconciliation.
She planned to cheat on you, have a baby with another bloke, and pass it off as yours, simply because she assumed you weren't interested.
Was there a reason why you kept delaying?
I can think of several -and most have already been pointed out to you.

With her desire to have things her own way has she really made the efforts to consider your needs (eg to have a holiday rather than rehouse the chickens) and to really reconcile, or has she been going through the motions and rug sweeping?
What will she do if she wants a second, or third, or fourth baby and you resist?

I'm not attempting to be rude, and I can imagine that you've asked yourself this many times, but why are you still with this woman? And from my experience of life, eight years of relationship while you are both still young is not a good reason.

I believe that people can change when they have sufficient motivation to do so, but sometimes past behaviour is a good indicator of future behaviour. If you re-examine the past eight years, how have they really been?

We're not here to discourage you from reconciliation, we simply want you out of infidelity (whether by reconciliation or by divorce) by a route that is healthy for you.

Please count on us for support and encouragement,
FAWH

Thanks all, your messages have really helped me think about our relationship in general over the past few years and not just having kids and the EA.

I delayed having children as over the pandemic we had a great opportunity to move into a property owned by her family, a few minutes drive from her parents and plenty of land. If it wasn't for her actions, we would probably be trying for a baby this year.

2020 new house > 2021 new dog & family sized car > 2022 new EA

We were very fortunate and had a great 2020. With me working from home and her work paying furlough we had plenty of time to work on the house and spend time together.

In 2021 our sexlife fell off a cliff from a few times a week to a few times a month. Dates also became harder, with a puppy at home. ( great time to suggest having kids right?)

It's here she started feeling underappreciated / wanted and is her "excuse" for the EA. At the time I was feeling the exact same emotions in addition to being lonely, trapped with no family or friends around with a wife giving the cold shoulder.

Rather than attempt to fix things she opted for an EA on Christmas day when an acquaintance messaged her out the blue. The icing on top was when finally caught in the act, having a tantrum like a child before gaslighting me. It wasn't until her parents stepped in that she stopped talking to the guy behind my back.

Why am I still with her? I guess it's all I've known in my adult life. She is so easy to be with, and I'm just ignoring what a horrible person she can be when things don't go her way. I've become passive and my emotions dulled.

I'm taking time off work ASAP so I can visit my family and finally tell them the events.

I’m sorry. Can you explain "she’s easy to be with"????

She’s a NIGHTMARE to be with based on your description.

I personally think she’s abusive if she doesn’t get her own way.

I hate to say this about a person I do not know but my thoughts reading about your wife lead me to conclude that she would be a HORRIBLE mother. She is too self centered and spoiled first off. Secondly, she wants to bring a baby into a still broken marriage i.e. an unstable family. For no other reason that it's what SHE wants, period. No consideration for a child let alone you.

I know this is super painful and tough fantasm but take some space like you said you would. Detach from her as much as you can physically and emotionally. So that you can evaluate her more realistically and quiet the biological panic you are feeling from the thought of losing "your person."

Totally normal to feel that pain and panic when a bond is broken or lost but it is not a great reason to stay pair bonded with someone who thinks so little of you.

You said you wanted children. Picture that for yourself. Picture the joy of bringing a child into the world with a woman that adores you and will dedicate herself to her family. You deserve that.

What she is proposing is NOT that.

Why am I still with her? I guess it's all I've known in my adult life. She is so easy to be with, and I'm just ignoring what a horrible person she can be when things don't go her way. I've become passive and my emotions dulled.

If you think that this is "easy to be with" than I've got great news for you. Divorcing her ass and at the right time finding yourself a great woman who truly values you and is committed to you and only you will feel like you won the freaking lottery. Remember, your WW is not owed a second chance. Second chances are a gift given to a wayward and only to be given to those most worthy. Maybe, and this is a big maybe, your WW will one day be worthy of that special gift of reconciliation and another shot, but at the moment I'm not seeing it at all based on what you've shared with the group.

I full support you taking some time off to get away and get yourself a little physical and hopefully emotional distance from your WW. I think the space and a little bit of detachment from her will help you see things a bit more objectively. She is so far off the mark with being ready to reconcile, let alone become a mother. Like I said in my last post, if she needs to be a mother so bad, divorce her and let her go pursue motherhood by whatever means she sees fit, it won't be your concern any longer. I recognize that none of what I gave as advice is easy or quick, but your concern at this point is that you aren't getting much to work with from her as far as reconciliation material, and given the amount of hurt that I sense from your posts, you can't live in limbo much longer, so your course of action should be towards separation/divorce and protecting yourself from further harm via your WW.

Beware of rug sweeping. I fear that you are on that path right now.

Telling your family is a good idea. Ok, what next? There’s a high probability that your WW had a PA. Are you interested in finding out the truth? Without the complete truth, your relationship will never be in a position to R, if that’s your ultimate goal.

Once you know the complete truth about her A, you can then make decisions in your best interest. Cheaters lie, snd whether she had a PA or not, as likely as that scenario is, regardless she is no doubt lying and hiding important things you need to know about her A.

I strongly believe you need to tell her that she must take a poly. Gauge her reaction to this. If she refuses, isn’t that quite telling? If she agrees, then proceed at top speed to set it up, before she changes her mind, citing typical WW stuff.