SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The question I can't answer is why didn't he leave or D me? That bugs me. If he was so unhappy for so long WHY stay?

In no particular order - money, reputation, maid service, child care, farm help, household management, convenient place to sleep, etc. I also believe that your WH likes being a victim and if he keeps his angry, resentful wife around to throw zingers at him and argue with, he gets to keep being the victim. He gets to throw his pity parties with coworkers, OW, and friends about how horrible he has it at home and pretend like it wasn't his own doing by torpedoing the marriage several times over and refusing to fix the damage. It doesn't sound like fun to us but some people genuinely feel more comfortable being involved in long term conflicts like this. Once you're completely out of the picture, OW gets to be his new conflict maker.

Proud of you Dragn.

I'm so sorry what you've had to endure in your journey to get to this point but I'm glad you've found the strength to get here.

Strength to you and all the little Dragns.

It's been a very mentally exhausting day.

I got alot accomplished but there's still so much to do.

I also believe that your WH likes being a victim and if he keeps his angry, resentful wife around to throw zingers at him and argue with, he gets to keep being the victim. He gets to throw his pity parties with coworkers, OW, and friends about how horrible he has it at home and pretend like it wasn't his own doing by torpedoing the marriage several times over and refusing to fix the damage.

He's had 15 years to try to fix the marriage but chose to continue cheating. With this last one he was not only verbally/emotionally abusive to me but also physically abusive.

I dont care what he tells anyone. I have proof of cheating from nearly day one and when the truth comes out in court of the things I have proof he's done he won't be able to play the poor victim.

Was i the perfect wife? No.

But instead of bringing his issues with me and the marriage to ME he chose to complain to the kids. He brought up adult issues with children.

It'll be a cold day in Hell before I forgive him for some of the things he's done.

Dragn, I know you are in Canada, and unfortunately a lot of this stuff doesn't matter. Physical abuse does matter, but cheating does not in Canada.

(I work very closely in family law)

When you go to court, judges don't want to hear all the emotional stuff, they want the facts that pertain to finances and kids, and physical and to a somewhat lesser degree emotional abuse.

You need to be factual but not emotional, otherwise things could be turned around on you.

Yes Canada is no fault when it comes to divorce. But I can get the divorce wait period shortened by proving adultery.

As for what I have proof of that he's done I never said that was a family court matter...

Look at you!
From a timid little mouse whose husband ran rough-shod over her with his bs and lies, to a bad-ass mama dragon!
I am so proud of you. You keep going. You've got this!

FunHouseMirror

Thank you.

It feels good to be able to see an end now. Sure the process sucks but one day I will be truely happy again.

Are there any other Canadian members here who have dealt with family court issues with a domestic assault charge involved?

I’m so sorry to see you hear Dragon, but I know it’s for the best. I don’t usually pop in here, but I saw your name on the main thread and wanted to come and say hello. You are bad ass even if you don’t feel like that right now. I hope you get everything in the divorce and your kids get the lions share of child support. Sorry to say but the OW lesbian made her bed and lied in it. Now she can wait until your kids get what rhey deserve.

I wish you continued strength and support and peace.

Marie2792

Thank you!

Not feeling very good today.

I really wish I hadn't shared this site with stxwh. I worry he reads here. Not that my past posts hide anything. The pain he has caused me and the advise to leave him were common. I wish I had listened before he got physical. I'll never forget the look in his eyes when he hurt me.

I am thankful for the members here and all the support I have received. I stayed way to long with the false hope he would see what he was doing was hurting not only me but also the kids. I prayed he would be the husband and father we deserved. Alas he proved to all of us he couldn't be either.

His loss right?!? I know I'll be ok. Geez just sleeping without fearing he will smother me with a pillow is amazing. I know the kids will be ok too. They are strong little dragons.

Peacefulness is priceless.

Peacefulness would be nice except I'm not sleeping. So much going on that's so damn stressful and my mind won't shut off.

I really am getting the shit end if things right now. The powers that be don't make it easy for domestic violence victims. I know it will get better but right now things suck.

Dragn I'm just now catching up on this.

I'm so sorry you are going through this but I'm thankful you are taking action. I know you held on as long as possible and it wasn't healthy for you mentally or physically. I see a kick ass change in your attitude and as the end of this becomes more clear, the stronger you will get. Take that shit end of stick and put it put it right....well you can imagine the rest.

This is my first time posting in D&S and can't offer any advice on it, but without going into detail my family is going through a tough, non infidelity related, crisis at the moment. Something I've learned is when someone asks "is there anything I can do?" Let them, let your Brother figure out the Van situation, let friends step in and help. Take all the help services and donations you can get unapologetically.

Again so sorry for you and the little Dragns, but glad to see you moving forward.

Thank you Tanner!

This actually wasn't my choice. Police felt they had enough to charge. I actually begged them not to since there was no physical evidence and I knew it would cause a total shit show.

Now I have finally realized the horror we were all living in. I realize the things he has done are unforgivable and he needs to be held accountable.

One problem I have is that I cannot communicate directly or indirectly with him. That means that I can't tell him that theres 2 van insurance payments left. That because I have yet to have my taxes filed (accountant needs to be paid first), I might not get my child tax benefit which I was using to pay the insurance. There are still bills to be paid and the most he's given is the mortgage and some grocery money. Let me tell ya all, $200 is NOT enough.

Take away gas for the van I have (my brother got it going. It's cranky when it rains but runs so much better now. Still no luck getting my own vehicle), food is ridiculously expensive plus lunch food for the kids, there's just not what I need. Ds needs new shoes, there was 2 end of year school trips I couldn't pay for. Luckily that was taken care of for me. I would have been crushed if they didn't get to go.

I hate accepting help but right now I'll take any that's offered.

Dragn, do you have an interim support order in place? This is a temporary order that will be in place until the divorce can be finalized and a more permanent order can be put in place. Seems like something you should file for ASAP. I know that might feel stressful right now, but way less stressful than not knowing how to pay bills. Your H is a salaried employee, correct? If so, it will likely be a reasonably quite straight-forward calculation. You can likely get this worked out without the need for a lawyer. YOu may also qualify for Legalaid, who can appoint duty counsel for your interim support hearing. Request a family advice counsel. LegalAid has special services for people who are involved in domestic abuse scenarios so let them know when you apply.

Remind me, what province you are in. If you like, I can send you some links to help get you started.

Nothing has been filed yet. It's been a back and forth, see this person then go see this other person then go back to first person and sign consent forms so the two of them can discuss my case. Grrr.

I have a zoom meeting tomorrow and that should get me started with legal aid.

I'm in Ontario.

I have been told to do "urgent" paperwork which will get me in front of a judge hopefully within two weeks...seriously the system is slow.

I'm sorry for the slow reply... I'm not on here much anymore.

(((Dragn)))

Oh Dragn... I am so sorry and yet somewhat relieved about this. Meaning, your M was a shit-show for so long... I'm sorry about the band-aid getting ripped off but yet I am WAY more optimistic about your future than I was before this.

So... advice: treat him like a cornered raccoon. He's VERY dangerous and he will do anything and everything that he can to get the outcome that he wants. Be very careful. The person who has affairs (and an OC!) and does what he did... is exceptionally dangerous. Other folks have said this too. Now, though, there is additional shame being heaped on him and he'll likely fight his way out of the corner.

I'll try to come here more often to provide support. You're loved by so many people on here. Don't you ever forget that!

I just saw this - Dragn, I'm so sorry you're going through all of this but I am SO happy you're going to be free of him!

I agree with barcher - stay vigilant and be careful. But also? Let the peace come for you and your little dragns. The five of you are going to have a great life. There will still be challenges (especially if he does get visitation time) but you'll all have each other through it.

Another old timer coming in to give hugs and support. I’m so very proud of you for braving this shitstorm. You and your littles are going to come out of this stronger and happier. 😊

barcher144, wildbananas,
Lalagirl. Hi and thank you!

Ya I already see wh as a rabid animal and know he will do anything and everything to get out of what he's done AND make me out to be just the miserable, vindictive, soon to be ex wife!

Having an OC was my absolute dealbreaker AND he knew it and hid it. The look he gave me when he left thr house that last morning was terrifying. I knew when he got home it would be awful.

Funny how through all of the infidelities, the emotional and psychological abuse, I still hoped, even prayed he would go back to the man I married. Be the man I fell in love with. I hoped he would realize what he was destroying.

And then things got physical.

Owell. The only path now is forward.