SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am at the 1 year Reconciliation mark.
The first few months were riddled with TT, lies, and some incredibly outrageous wayward mentality. I think I was too numb to even react to them. But he seems to have gotten his head of his reared and found clarity.
Anyway, WH says he will "never cheat again". Yeah, we’ve heard this before from many waywards. He also says he doesn’t expect me to trust his words since he’s broken his marriage vows already. He wants to earn my trust back with his actions and they have been pretty solid so far.
HOWEVER, i have terrible anxiety lately. I am petrified of him cheating again in the future. He felt how exciting it was to "fall in love" and have sex with a new lover. He felt the thrill of sneaking around. He knows how that dopamine high felt. So who is to say he won’t seek them out again? I think reading SI members’ posts about their WS cheating again after years of "successful" R has got me rattled.

I know that I have to focus on me and my healing and be prepared for whatever happens. And that I ought to be OK even if he cheats again.
But I would like to have some peace of mind (?) during the R process so that I am not a complete mess.

The only way that you can be 100% confident that he won’t cheat on you again is to divorce him so he doesn’t have the opportunity to do it again. That’s just the sad reality.

I’m not saying that reconciliation is doomed, just pointing out that we can’t give you the reassurance that you seek. The only way he can prove that he won’t cheat on you again is to not cheat on you again.

WH says he will "never cheat again". Yeah, we’ve heard this before from many waywards.

I ignored this early on in R and it got to a point I would cringe when I heard it. I don’t believe "once a cheater always a cheater" I do believe once a cheater, we now know what they are capable of.

Not cheating again means he can walk right up to the line, just not cross it.

A’s are highly addictive, there is a withdraw process and if not properly handled relapse is likely. An alcoholic can vow to "never drink again". That means he can walk in a bar and put a drink in his hand as long as he doesn’t take a drink. No, he should protect his sobriety and never go near a bar again.

I’m not expecting my W to cheat again, but I will always remember what she is capable of. She has to always protect the M.

Unfortunately, bluer is correct. There are no guarantees. There is no way for you to control him.

You can control you though. As you pointed out, healing and strengthening yourself helps. It helps reduce anxiety because as you feel more confident and capable to handle whatever, you worry less.

If you are in reconciliation, you might want to consider talking to your WH when you start to spiral with anxiety. Sharing your fears and worries. You shouldn't have to go through this alone and if he is as dedicated to you as he claims, he should see this as an opportunity to connect and comfort. That builds trust over time.

One last thing (based on the Wayward posts I've read here): At some point a remorseful wayward will not look back fondly on the affair. They will see it as a great personal failure that caused utter destruction to those they love. If and when he reaches that point, you might feel less anxious. Check in with him on his feelings toward the affair and the outcome. Don't spoon feed him what you want to hear but look to see if he has grown enough in remorse and empathy to hate what he did.

Even if he says yes, I hate what I did, you may need to hear that a lot more than once before you believe it. So again, talk. Get answers and reassurance or at least, a partner willing to bear witness to your trauma.

I agree that there is no way to be fully sure he will never cheat on you again other than removing him from your life. But unless you choose to be alone going forward, there is still an ungodly high probability of getting cheated on in a future relationship. I know before D-day I never lived in a way that acknowledged that real risk, just thought it would never be me. All of us know better now, but it can be easy to forget it could happen with a future partner as well. And even if a future partner is 100% faithful, you could carry that anxiety with you due to this trauma. So unfortunately, the burden is unfairly on you to work thru the anxiety, and also making your best assessment of whether or not to R with your husband, as they are separate tasks.

Unfortunately there is no magic answer to this and I understand the fear as I had it and my xWS unfortunately ended up being a serial cheater. I think the only thing you can do is get strong yourself and have a fallback plan in case it were to happen. Even with a new partner cheating can happen again. I know now that any cheating that happens in my new relationship I am done. No second chances. It is a dealbreaker for me now in ALL cases. I know I will survive and thrive without a cheater in my life.

I think the way you are feeling is normal. I know I certainly felt that way when I was where you are. Words obviously mean very little from someone who was previously able to lie to your face. We all went into our marriages promising to be faithful, so "but this time I mean it" isn't all that comforting. So yeah, I don't have an easy answer for you. One year out is a tough time, if you're anything like me, the tight reigns put in place at D-day are starting to loosen and you're starting to have to actually EXERCISE trust again (for me, my husband simply wasn't going anywhere but work and the gym for most of the first year post-d-day so I didn't really need to TRUST the same way). This is hard and fortunately my husband understood this and was very good about checking in and ensuring his location was on during these times.

Part of me is wondering whether the fact that you are at 1 year is driving your anxiety in part. The D-day-versary, particularly the first one, is tough for a lot of people (myself included). I was surprised at how many seasonal cues brought back a lot of the intensity of what I had felt that time a year prior. I suppose it makes sense, that's how trauma works.

I think reading SI members’ posts about their WS cheating again after years of "successful" R has got me rattled.

This is also really valid. I remember these types of stories used to really get to me too. The best thing you can do is to make sure you will always be okay if that happens.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 7:34 PM, Friday, October 6th]

Really, the most important thing you can do to protect yourself, is to work on healing. Also,get a plan in place,in case he does cheat again. Have some money,of your own. If you aren't employed, become employed.

There is no guarantee he won't do it again. Even if he does the work,and becomes safe..if he did it once,the chance is,he will do it again eventually. That's something that many around here don't want to face. But,it's true. It's just as true that he could do the work and never cheat again. You just don't know..until you do.

And it sucks.

This is so hard at one to two years out from d day. My WH has told me so many times I’ll never do this again. Truthfully I don’t believe him, but I’m willing to give it time to see. I have told him that. I am getting a plan in place and nurturing myself. Envisioning what kind of life I want with or without him. It’s hard. And I still get anxious. Quite a bit actually. We know our spouses have been unfaithful and could be again. Living in this reality sucks.

I think being cheated on is like being bitten by a dog. You won't forget it and you'll always be a little cautious of being bitten again. You'll take more precautions. You love dogs still though, so you have to enjoy dogs regardless of the additional caution

It is normal to feel this way. It took me a good 3-4 years before I realised that there is absolutely no guarantee he won’t cheat again, the same way that there’s no guarantee a new partner won’t cheat as well.

Basically there are no guarantees in life except your own reactions to these events.

With healing comes trust, not in your WH and his inability to cheat necessarily, although his work should bring a certain level of trust back, but trust in yourself and the knowledge that if this happens to you again, you will be ok.

This is lose-lose.

My wife was super honest and said, "I won't promise you because I promised before and wasnt able to keep it. So how do I know I'll keep my word now?" I sorta get it, but I'm also looking for reassurance. So is it better to hear "I'll never cheat again" from a proven liar or "I won't promise you that because I obviously have been proven unreliable on that exact promise."

Idk. They both suck. Affairs suck.

I think often anecdotal evidence feels more real than it is. Even if it is a study fraught with errors like "sampling error". If you are off living your best life and your spouse cheated once and was done you are not posting on SI usually.

Unless, they’re not doing great with recovery work or they really dragged out the TT, even to the point of a second big reveal about the original event.

But for anecdotal evidence we are now 8 years out from the cheating. While he can be a big pain in the neck and had the worst time coming out with the full truth I do feel very very confident he wont cheat. I see nothing to indicate he would and he has a mountain of reasons not to that he never had in the past. I worry about him needing to be in places that trigger me cause it will make me remember the past but I dont worry about him cheating there.

I have mentioned my father cheated as did my grandfather. My grandfather married the lady and then had a small stroke so he was kinda one and done by necessity. My father was under intense scrutiny after his affair, he had moved out for 2 months. We all us kids, plus my grandmother (who was my father’s mother but was team anti-affair). I was very inquisitive and essentially a snoop of a kid and teenager. I never saw evidence he cheated again. He is 80 and spend his entire birthday speech apologizing to my mother AGAIN for what he did 40 years ago.

So, anecdotally, I kinda believe one and done situations are common. I believe that new research study by Kathy Nickerson found similar findings. But, of course you never know. I sometimes feel the odds are easier for male BSes just because almost every study points to about a 10 point difference between male cheating frequency and female, regardless of how many times it has happened. So at least male BSes have a little better odds that if they remarried they’d be far more likely than not to have married a non-cheater. Unless somehow they were seeking that personally type out.

We all worry about that a bit I think. Did I somehow subconsciously go looking for the likely cheater when I thought I had gone looking for the likely faithful partner.

InkHulk:

But unless you choose to be alone going forward, there is still an ungodly high probability of getting cheated on in a future relationship

Could another partner cheat? Sure. Are the odds "ungodly high"? No. Most people, like the BSs on this site, go their whole lives without cheating on their spouses.

Think about it this way: if Bernie Madoff stole your life savings, would you continue to give him your money because another investor might steal from you too? No, you would take your business somewhere else. The vast majority of investment bankers aren’t crooks and you’re actually less likely to be cheated because you’ll be better equipped to spot a con.

And money, unlike years of your life, can be recouped.

There are many good reasons to want to reconcile with your WS. Fear of someone else cheating is not one of them.

ThisIsSoFine:

So is it better to hear "I'll never cheat again" from a proven liar or "I won't promise you that because I obviously have been proven unreliable on that exact promise."

I actually think it’s great that your wife has the humility and self-awareness to admit that her promises are worthless. She is also acknowledging the risk you are taking by choosing to reconcile with her instead of trying to blow smoke up your ass.

After all, if she couldn’t keep the vow she made at the alter before God and your gathered loved ones, what value does a promise made in the wake of betrayal really have? Hopefully she is demonstrating through consistent action that she is worthy of your trust again.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:09 PM, Saturday, October 7th]

You'll need to find that peace of mind from within.

IC can help tremendously.

Maybe looking at this from another lens may help.

Your spouse cheated.

You have chosen reconciliation.

you have been incredibly hurt, and have survived infidelity and this is no small feat.

You need to trust yourself and your choice. As long as this is the person you want to spend your years with….

BUT You need to ensure that you have written down your true deal breakers and talk them through with your WS. So you both know the lines that can’t be crossed without serious consequences. These are not threats. They are rules and guidelines for a successful marriage. They are significant boundaries. They are important.

For example mine was no more lying. I told him that he had to tell me the truth, all of it. I gave him a year. We were working slowly through it. Then I found that he omitted years of happy endings. I remember the cold shock running through my body as I lay awake wondering if it was really a dealbreaker. It was. This dealbreaker protected me from more hurt. And from an untrustworthy partner.

This may help you feel more comfortable with your choice. And if boundaries are crossed, understand and define what will happen.

I think doing this makes you less vulnerable, and know that you are stronger from your experience.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 4:36 PM, Monday, October 9th]

Tall girl
Thank you…. Yes i have a hard time trusting myself after having been betrayed. Everything I thought I knew turned out to be false???

Anyway, how are you? How is dating going for you? I hope you are doing well.

Cedar

What are you two doing to reconcile?
It’s so much more than just not having sex with someone else.
It’s a reconstruction of the marriage, including personal tasks like him understanding why he felt it was OK to have an affair, as well as mutual tasks such as you feeling safe to voice these concerns to him, and the both of you being able to discuss how to deal with this fear.

Put it down on paper. It makes it real😃

Oh Cedar, so many laughable adventures. Tried to message you but I can’t. Don’t want to thread jack.