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I feel like I can't do this anymore.

My GF is visiting her family in the US right now. For 3 months. I communicated I'm very uncomfortable with this, as reco. is still really fresh. The affair traumatized me. I have been traumatized before, in childhood and teenage years, and always thought to myself "one more thing and I'm done" and now I truly can say I have PTSD. No doubt.

I have developed strong seperation anxiety and I don't want to be a crybaby, but I want her to be with me during this initial phase. She had the chance to visit her sister for 2-3 months and I did not want to interfere with family strings. Family is important. So I approved of her going, but eversince everyday is pure agony.

It's not that I think she'll do something stupid out there. She constantly calls me and wants to make sure I'm alright,its just that I have no power over my feelings at the moment.

We're still living seperately but we had some very beautiful days together in the meantime. I would say Reco. started appropriate.

Yesterday she straight up forgot her code to unlock her iPhone.

Through much hustle and work we figured out a way to get into her iCloud remotely. Since she has no clue about tht stuff, I did that.

Of course... I was being a fucking idiot.

I went into her camera roll and snooped around. I always had the suspicion there HAS TO BE a video somewhere. I know the guy. And I know he'll take the chance to film it, and I know she likes that too.

Found nothing. Until I came across a 6 second video. Pure black screen, only for a split second you can see what's going on. She must've overseen that video when deleting stuff. YOu cna hear him breath and hear her moan.

I didnt really know what to do oin that moment. I just broke down and cried. I felt pathetic, like a cuckhold. At the same time I know how muhc guilt, remorse and regret she has shown. I know she's ashamed of herself for doing all this. I didn't know what to do. I'm in reconciliaiton, and I know what they've done. Should I now make a scene out of it? But I couldn't resist. I called her and told her of my discovery. I told her I can't do this anymore. Cheating is so far away from my character I just cannot do it, not that I know heard her moan for him with my own ears.

She broke down and cried, begging. But she also got really upset that I snooped around and that it shouldn't be surprising. They had sex, I know it, people when they have sex, they moan.

It's gotten to a point where I dont know who I am anymore.

Is this right? is this wrong? All the signs that we can do it are there, but whenever I loose frame, she also looses it completely. But how else would she react? I understand her as well.

I'm rambling at this point. Sorry. I'm just a fucking mess. The last months were really happy, full of laughter and plans. Now it all seems to be gone. Her family is constantly telling her to leave the relationship, damage is too high. I need help.

[This message edited by DeGeGuy at 12:18 PM, Tuesday, October 31st]

I always had the suspicion there HAS TO BE a video somewhere.

Unless she lied about there not being video, this isn't really a new hurt. You dug around and found evidence of an old hurt that she neglected to delete. It's new to YOU, but she hasn't done anything new to hurt you. I think it's important that you really recognize that.

It can still be a dealbreaker for you, though. It might just be too much for you to tolerate.

She broke down and cried, begging. But she also got really upset that I snooped around and that it shouldn't be surprising. They had sex, I know it, people when they have sex, they moan.

Hey, DeGeGuy's GF: The appropriate response is "I'm so sorry that I hurt you and that I neglected to delete that video" not "Of course I moaned when I cheated on you. Duh."

If she's got half a brain cell and any desire to R, she'll cut her visit short and hop a plane back home to be with you. JMO.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 4:50 PM, Tuesday, October 31st]

First of all, please don't beat yourself up for "snooping." You are not pathetic, you are dealing with trauma and your brain is looking for ways to protect you from future pain. I did the same thing, and I didn't find any videos, but I found pictures. The pain fades over time, as it does with any wound.

Second, you are only 3 months from discovery. Reconciliation takes years. You didn't say how long you've been with your GF, but I think you have to ask yourself if you want to spend the next several years of your life dealing with this. The general consensus is that it's easier to heal on your own than with your WP.

And finally, if you are done, that's okay. She will cry and beg, of course, but this is your life and she has already shown you that she cannot be responsible with your heart. Only you can decide if she deserves a second chance. Given your separation anxiety, it might be healthier for you to go no contact with her while she is away. Take a "break" from the relationship and from the pressure to R. It will be very painful and difficult, but it might be healthier for you.

Are you working with a therapist? It's good to have professional support through this.

I appreciate the responses...

If she's got half a brain cell and any desire to R, she'll cut her visit short and hop a plane back home to be with you. JMO.

she hinted at that, but knowing well I would probably never say "do it". I can't take here away from her family... I think this is really egocentric. She see's her sister once a year. Although it would indeed be the best for us, why would she come back home to somebody struggling with knowing if the relationship is going to last? After seeing this video I don't know if I can go on with R.

You didn't say how long you've been with your GF, but I think you have to ask yourself if you want to spend the next several years of your life dealing with this.

We were together for 6 years. One year of that was really really bad and I was acting out a lot, letting my own personal struggles out on the relationship, neglecting her sexually, neglecting myself and my body etc. Then she had an affair with her co-worker.

After I have snooped around back then, I found it out. She at first denied it for months. Eventually she confessed, immediately quit her job and went NC with AP.

That's now 6 months in the past. 3 months of struggling followed, then we started R 3 months ago and went really loving, strong and close. But that video... it's branded in my flesh now.

I love her and I want R.

I just don't know if I CAN do it after everythign thats happened (as most of us here probably can relate.)

But that video... it's branded in my flesh now.

I love her and I want R.

Thankfully, there were no videos or photos for me to find. I think I would likely be just as traumatized as you are. I was floored pretty badly by an email that I found where he planned a picnic and called her by a pet name, and that seems so minor compared to what you saw.

But you love her and you want to be with her, so you need to find a way to deal with it. Are you in IC? There are treatment methods to help with PTSD and triggers, like EMDR, etc.

But you love her and you want to be with her, so you need to find a way to deal with it. Are you in IC? There are treatment methods to help with PTSD and triggers, like EMDR, etc.

I dont think there's a coming back from yesterday. Even if I wanted to, her family will make sure to talk that away... My wayward GF is struggling... a lot. She truly despises what she did and whenever there's an argument between me and her, she completely folds, having panic attacks, crying on the floor etc.

My brain can't handle this anymore.

I should be the one who's hurt, who's family should have sympathy for. Yet even through all this again it is demanded that I am the strong one. That whenever I have flashbacks or extremly stressful situation like the discovery - I'm supposed to swallow.

Nobody tells me that. Neither her nor her family. but they definitely do not show ANY sort of sympathy for me. And I have always - ALWAYS treated her well. Whereever we went, we were known to be the snuggled up couple, lovey dovey in the corner. I understand their family is nervous about her mental state but in the end these people used to be my family once, too.

I have never recieve any words of sympathy or understanding by any of them.

But whenever I get weak or angry, she gets weak or angry and I feel like this isn't the correct way in order to reconcile.

Sure.

At some point I need to decide and make a final with my inner self. But I would say that I am already doing a really good job handling my emotions and not shutting down considering the weight and story of her affair.

I just feel like... I need to be weak sometimes. I can't uphold this any longer. I know I'm the man, I know her family is very unemotional etc. but I also do have emotions and the hurt, deceit, lies and gaslighting I have been through. Why can't I look for emotional support in that entire situation...

If she cries I take her in. If she gets disgusted by her body (because of the things she did with AP) I treat her lovingly until her pain's gone.

Why do I need to uphold my standard at all times. I just can't everyday. There are days and situations where I break. This won't be forever the case. Anybody who knows me, knows that. But I feel like 3 months of R is not enough time to state "You gotta beginng making peace with everything and see the situation as processed".

[This message edited by DeGeGuy at 5:27 PM, Tuesday, October 31st]

The red flag for me here was her getting upset that you snooped.

I get maybe an initial knee jerk on that, but if she was/is serious about being transparent and helping you regain her trust and healing, she should not have any problem opening up anything and everything she has to give you that reassurance.

My FWW straight up told me, here's all my PWs to all I have, you can look at any time you want and don't have to ask or tell me. I may have looked a few times but that dissipated quickly when I didn't find anything - BUT really, the thing that was most reassuring to me and helped my healing/forgiveness was her willingness to basically say through her words AND ACTIONS "I know I hurt you, I get why you're anxious, I want to reassure you, so therefore I'm an open book and I have nothing to hide, you can trust me"

If your GF isn't there in that mindset, I don't think she's fully committed to R in that sense that she's bought in to do whatever it takes if the relationship is that important to her.

Thought occurred to me.

Pot of water on stove, gas flame in progress to heat the water to boiling.

Put finger in to see if getting hot - then a bit later, put in finger again and get a bit of overwarm sensation - then a bit later, ditto and get a bit of a burn. Not going to put finger in again to check!

You - your relationship - a pot of water on the stove with a flame burning under it.

And steam is rising off the water and . . . you keep putting in your finger -

The last time you posted, she hadn't done a single thing towards true reconciliation. Has she done any work on herself? Has she become completely honest? How often do you discuss the affair? Ask questions? Is she still defensive?

The fact that she is angry that you looked in her gallery says a lot. She's not transparent,and she clearly hasn't been honest.

Look, I know you want reconciliation. But this isn't it. You are rugsweeping. She's not safe. You have taught her she can cheat on you and you will pretend she didn't.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:04 PM, Tuesday, October 31st]

she completely folds, having panic attacks, crying on the floor etc.

And, I'd bet this shuts down the affair conversation, and it becomes you comforting her, and telling her you won't bring it up again.

You asked who would get on a plane,and fly home to a man who is struggling,and neither know if the relationship will work. A remorseful ws. A woman who loves the man she's devastated. A woman who makes you the priority.

She's giving you crumbs.

I am going against the grain here but I can see why she was upset you snooped. It shows you don't trust her which isn't surprising but also she can't trust you to not invade her privacy.

It's easy to say she "doesn't deserve privacy after what she has done" but that crosses the line into controlling and coercive behaviour and is a dangerous place to be.

You need to ask yourself why you felt the need to look. I suspect it is looking for reassurance but in reality had you found nothing would you still feel reassured?

Reconciliation is hard. If you have PTSD you need to get professional help. Take this time whilst she is away to get that help. You can't force her to change but you can work on you. I have had a lot if CBT and its helped a lot with what I suspect was verging into PTSD but I admit a year later I still have triggers and our reconciliation is suffering because of my actions now. You need to focus on you and this is the time to do that.

[This message edited by DayDreamBeliever at 8:30 AM, Wednesday, November 1st]

If you were married I would say there shouldn't be a need for privacy. Since you are still dating I suppose you could make an argument that you were invading her privacy... but that's not the point! Her being upset and defensive is the biggest issue. And not just that you snooped but that, essentially, you are still upset they had sex.

Combine that with her needing you to comfort her perhaps more than she comforts you and I think it's clear she is not doing the personal work she needs to do. Maybe she's trying but she has a ways to go; which is normal, we don't fix ourselves overnight.

If you still want to continue with R I think you need to have that dialogue. Share what you felt about her reaction and tell her what you needed that is different than what she gave. You can empathize with her struggling with herself but you expected more empathy from her than you received.

Has she read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair? Has she seen a therapist?

I am sorry you are struggling and feeling like you are at rock bottom.

I think you have a very twisted relationship at this point. You get upset. You have pain as the result of her affair. You express your emotions. She then cries on the floor and is sobbing about HER pain.

HER pain is second to yours. She created it caused this situation.

I suspect when she gets upset you comfort her. When it should not be like that. She should be putting you ahead of her at this point.

The fact that she’s off on a holiday/vacation enjoying herself is disturbing to me. And a huge red flag 🚩🚩. How can she go off and enjoy herself when you are at home suffering?

Sorry I think you are grasping at straws here in trying to get to Reconciliation. Right now you are in limbo or holding pattern.

I’m sorry for you. Her behavior is very telling IMO.

And IMO you had every right to snoop.

If she does this now, it could happen again.
My sordid story is similar to yours. My fiancee cheated on me many years ago and I did not handle it well. At. all. We thought we'd reconciled, and she said and did all the right stuff. She then proceeded to dump me in a spectacularly cruel fashion that also involved a few of my close friends. I genuinely wanted to die and thought I'd never recover.
I then met a wonderful woman that I married and am still married to over 30 years later. There's not a day that I'm not grateful that she dumped me the way she did.
Your GF is expressing regret, not remorse. That's her cross to bear. You're demonstrating some co-dependency behaviors and could benefit from some individual counseling. That's yours.
Get out of infidelity and get healthy. You have the rest of your life to find someone who sees you as the prize you are.
Stay strong.

I'm very sorry you're struggling.

I'm also confused. Didn't she leave? Didn't she want to go slowly? How did you get from there to here?

I think you're looking for her to make you feel OK. That's not how life works. You need to do what you need to do to feel OK. You have to heal you.

My guess is that you fear abandonment, and I think you're afraid she won't come back. Being needy isn't your problem in that case; your problem is your fear about what will happen to you if she doesn't.

You're not married. You and she live far away from her family. There is a strong argument for her to keep to her original plans. Have you explicitly asked her to come back? If you want her to come back early, how is she supposed to know that unless you ask explicitly? Even then, she may choose her sister over you.

But if I've guessed right about what's going on inside you - and even if I've guessed wrong, probably - you're focusing on the wrong things. Your healing requires you to step up and conquer your demons, whether she adapts to your needs or not. That's because she can't heal you - you're the only one who can do that. Whatever your fears are, if she stops triggering them, you're still left with your fears, unless you address them directly.

I think a good IC is your best bet.

She is not R material, she is defensive,lying to you, and manipulative. If she panics when you bring it up then she is selfish and only concerned for herself. You need to 180 and let her go. One thing to remember is rejection breeds obsession, you should work through that and realize you are the prize, she should be obsessing and doing anything you ask of her. You should plan and execute plan B.

DeGeGuy,

Her breaking down most likely means there is alot she has not told you which she wants you to rugsweep.

From someone who runswept for decades I suggest that you need to have her spill the entire truth NOW.

Get her to write a timeline, get a polygraph, interview the OM even if he lies you'll know it.

If she refuses, minimizes, omits or lies then end it.

There's a long term issue in that you know she is lying to you, and she knows she is lying to you and this usually does not go away. Try not thinking about something.

Also the OM has video too.

[This message edited by survrus at 4:31 PM, Thursday, November 2nd]

How are you holding up deGeGuy?

How are you holding up deGeGuy?

Well I don't know.

The video sits deep. I have had nightmares eversince of her vividly cheating on me. I had the most gruesome nightmare tonight.

I don't know if I can do this anymore. I wish I could just let go to be honest. She's in New York right now having a week off with her friend. I'm at home, unable to understand how she can enjoy her time while knowing that I'm in so much hurt.

Before people say "how can she be in New York while all this is happening" - the vacation was planned before and her friend took holiday for that. She shouldn't now also betray her friend and cancel the vacation.

I don't know exactly what is holding me back from simply ending this relationship.

Is it our dog? We will have to meet up every couple weeks anyway, even if we go seperate ways.

Is it her looks? I don't know. Yes, she is incredibly beautiful. Probably the prettiest girl I've ever had. But I'm not superficial enough to say that this is the reason.

Is it her character? Her soul? Well, it used to be. She used to be my everything and the person I have trusted the most. I always hold my stakes so high for her. In any way. We have had wonderful years. But now all the good times are worthless, since she betrayed me in that vile and dirty way.

I wish I could just pull the trigger on this relationship and move on. But whenever I'm close to pulling the trigger I can't do it.

So... do I really want to pull the trigger?

Based on your previous posts, I think it’s quite likely that if her OM wasn’t married, she would be with him right now.

It’s pretty obvious that you have a low opinion of yourself and that you’ve propped her up on a pedestal that she doesn’t deserve.

Not to diminish feelings or the significance of the relationship, but you’re not married, you don’t have kids, and you’re a young man. There’s no practical reasons for you to hang on to this relationship and put yourself through this torture.

If she cheated when she wasn’t happy with the relationship because you were depressed and buried in your studies, then she doesn’t have the patience, fortitude, and emotional commitment to the rebuild the relationship now that she’s thrown a grenade into it.

Quite frankly, I think she’s just going to stick around until she finds a soft place to land. All you’re doing at the moment is prolonging the inevitable.