All
It's been a crazy couple of days. Thank you for all the kind words and thoughtful responses. I didn't expect this many replies and apologize for not acknowledging your posts individually.
First, I'm sure that my wife is being honest with me on this. I'm not just taking her at her word. Since we R'd 12+ years ago, I've had full access to her phone, laptop, iPad, all her socials etc. We have two young DDs, one in Middle School and one in Elementary who has special needs. Between our jobs and school drop off/pick up, DD1's swim team, DD2's ASD therapy sessions and all their weekend activities, we both need to and do know exactly where the other is at any time (Life 360). I checked wife's phone and there are no calls or texts between her and N other than kids' dance recital and some healthy diet Insta links. There are no deleted texts. I went thru her Facebook and Insta as well and there are no private messages between my and N. Look, my wife hasn't done anything in the last 12+ years and it makes no sense that she'd suddenly decide to covertly help a friend carry on a tawdry affair.
Also, I now have evidence that N and my wife could not have had lunch on either of the dates in question. For the more recent date, I have Ring camera data showing that my wife was home all day. On the older date, my wife had to go and pick up DD1 from her school around 1 PM, because DD was feeling sick and the school nurse called and said she had a fever. Both of us get emergency calls from the school system. I was in the office that day and my wife and I were texting to figure out which of us would go pick up DD1. So yeah N was lying about having lunch with my wife.
Regardless, this has been stressful. I had a big setback at work recently and this shit couldn't be happening at a worse time.
Thankfully, I have beeing talking to a therapist once a month for depression and OCD. He knows my history and trauma from wife's old A. I rarely ask for emergency sessions but did so today. He was able to fit me in via video call. Talked about what specific things could've triggered me. So one of my triggers is if I sense that my wife appears to be abruptly keeping some secrets from me. It was a precursor to her fling. Therapist suggested I talk candidly to my wife about this ASAP and addressing them together. He reminded me that she can't answer questions that I do not ask.
I texted my wife before leaving office saying that we need to clear the air on this N affair mess. My wife knows my "triggered" face. After school, we took the girls on a surprise visit to my in-laws' (they live minutes from our place). While they entertained themselves, my wife and I went for a walk and I share my fears with her. Usually my trigger events are centered around my wife's activities like her going out of town for work or girls night out etc. She didn't realize that a friend's affair could trigger me but does so now. Wife was very apologetic and in tears but was glad that I continued to trust and open up to her. TBH it's been years since I had a trigger event.
So yeah I totally believe my wife when she says she had no freaking clue that N's A until N told her over the phone a few days ago. I think there's a compelling case that N was likely bluffing all along by using my wife as an alibi. She probably thought that she'll never be checked on this and perhaps thinking that she could sweet talk my wife into lying if her H probed further. "Catch up lunch" with my wife is also a plausible ruse because my house is directly on the route from N's place to OM's house.
Also, I'm sure that N doesn't know about my wife past A. The only people alive who know about it are my wife, me, our respective therapists and the POSOM who we don't even know is still alive. The A is a matter of great shame for my wife so there is no way she'd have shared that with anyone, let alone a flighty woman like N.
As to what could have driven N to call and reveal her affair to my wife out of the blue, we can only speculate. I'm sure my wife wasn't sending out secret wayward pheromones. Perhaps N realized that H was close to finding out and she needed to spill the beans with my wife in order to get her to lie. It is also quite possible that N has other friend(s) who are facilitating the A and she just assumed that my wife would do so as well. I know N thinks very highly of her persuasion skills and her ability to read people.
As to what to do next, my wife and I agreed that we will talk to H together and tell him that N's alibi is bogus. My wife will also tell H everything that N reveealed about the A, her plans with OM and the end of school year timing, etc. Should it come to lawyers being involved, my wife will be ok with providing an affidavit refuting the alibi.
Neither of us asked to be entangled in this mess but we have no illusions about the fallout. Wife agreed that this is entirely the fault of N and the OM. She wasn't concerned about burning bridges with N other than what we'd tell DD2 should N cutoff her kids' contact with ours. Wife was more angry at and in disbelief that N would risk the well being of her children, her marriage and personal reputation for a bullshit dream. We are also disappointed with Doc's behavior. While we're still indebted to him for helping save DD2's life, but he is terribly wrong for carrying on with another man's wife.
So here we are. H is still radio silent, which is a bit concerning. I texted him again saying that my wife isn't covering up for N and both of us are ready to share everything we are aware of. Asked see if can stop by our house after work tomorrow. I pinged him on LinkedIn as well. Keeping my fingers crossed.
Once again, I really appreciate everyone's responses. I'll share updates when I have them.