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To anyone who finds solice in communicating with the world ex partner of the AP, don’t. I did for a while and it was like I thought he was the only person who really got it. We never met in person despite his requests (red flag anyone??) and then he turned things sexual. He recently sent me a video of himself masturbating. It was so triggering. It’s hard to not just say I hate everybody now.

I am so sorry for you. That is just awful given the circumstances.

It might be he is in so much pain and looking for anything he can to give him some comfort. However he still crossed a boundary and he’s a jerk.

And just as bad as his spouse.

I’m sorry you had to see that.

I’m also so sorry you were subjected to that.

This makes me think about the thread going on right now about revenge affairs. Maybe we can all feel the revulsion of Dandelion’s experience here and take hikingout’s words seriously that affairs of any sort are not games, people are not play things, and we do ourselves and others incredible harm in even attempting to engage in them.

Ugh that is horrible. May the OBS is just struggling and hurt, maybe also a creep.
So sorry you were subjected to that. Good warning and I hope it helps others avoid this.

{{Hugs}}

That's just terrible! So sorry, Dandelion.

Creepy and disrespectful. I'm so sorry you were subjected to that on top of what you are already dealing with. Block him.

This makes me think about the thread going on right now about revenge affairs. Maybe we can all feel the revulsion of Dandelion’s experience here and take hikingout’s words seriously that affairs of any sort are not games, people are not play things, and we do ourselves and others incredible harm in even attempting to engage in them.

Yeah, this all reeks of the "ultimate revenge" to me. "Get back" at your spouse (or now ex) AND the AP in one fell swoop by sleeping with the AP’s spouse (or now ex). Type of thing you see both sexes encouraged to do on Reddit. Disgusting…..

Sorry you were exposed to this Dandelion2024 when you were looking for solace from a person whom you thought was a person who could truly understand what you are going through.

I think you raised an important concern - NC means NC with the ap and with OBS, except perhaps for asking and answering necessary questions.

I'm very sorry it turned creepy for you. There's no excuse for his behavior. Being in contact simply isn't license to get sexual.

Wow. I’m so sorry you have had to experience this behaviour, it’s absolutely disgraceful and no excuse whatsoever.

Too bad he's the AP's ex. It would be so satisfying to send that to his "BS", wouldn't it??

I'm really sorry you went through this, that's awful!

I had a very different experience with OBS, which I share not to diminish or discredit your experience, but only to show that it doesn't always go that way.

After I learned of the affair, I sent a letter (yes, in the mail!) to OBS, as the physical address was the only one I could find. He called as soon as he received it. We spoke for many hours on the phone that night and it was the first time I felt the anxiety go down a little, just talking to someone who understood better than anyone else could. We remained friends for about a year after, occasionally talking or having dinner. At around the year mark we were communicating less and less and now, 2 years on, I don't think I've spoken to him in many months. He's a good person who also didn't deserve this and I wish him the best, but it seems like we have both moved on.

Yeah, this all reeks of the "ultimate revenge" to me. "Get back" at your spouse (or now ex) AND the AP in one fell swoop by sleeping with the AP’s spouse (or now ex).

I can't count the number of people who suggested this to me. So glad I never considered it.

I think you raised an important concern - NC means NC with the ap and with OBS, except perhaps for asking and answering necessary questions.

I don't think I've ever heard that before. What is the rationale? I found communicating with OBS to be very healing, although maybe because we were both divorcing.

Hmmm ... I wish I hadn't made that statement. Here's a reworking:

It's important to keep up one's own boundaries and be aware of OBS's boundaries, too. If OBS crosses boundaries, one needs to protect themself quickly.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:55 PM, Friday, February 7th]

I’m so sorry you were victimized twice, the guy is creep. I don’t understand why that’s not a federal crime. If he did that in the park or any where in public he would be arrested.

Thank you all, I’ve been afraid to read the responses until today thinking I would hear a lot of what did you expect? Yeah, it was awful. I thought he was someone I could trust. I know I didn’t invite that and I can have all the sympathy for what he is going through and still know that was an abuse of our relationship. And of course I thought he was setting me up for the ultimate revenge affair to get back at my WH. It was just awful. Thank you.