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I havent posted in a while...we are 16 months post DDay and I'm slowly healing with WH also doing "all the right things" .....for the most part. I went off the antidepressants I was on for 10 months and feel so much better- less reactive and anxious ( which is not my nature despite the trauma Ive been though) The antidepressants made it worse

Things have been going well.....Wh just went on an international business trip - the type hes been avoiding since DDay , but he needed to go and I was ready for some alone time. One thing I said was I did not feel comfortable with him getting a massage while abroad. We get massage monthly for health reasons. Usually he would do this but I am no longer comfortable especially since he travels to parts of the world where there are cheap nefarious massage places. Now he has never gotten any "extras" that I know of , but still...after visiting prostitutes for a summer its a new boundary. I even scheduled one for when he got home with a professional massage therapist.So, he calls me one morning, I was barely awake, and says he has the morning off and was by the pool and was going to try and get a massage. This is "normal" for us and during his travels but in my foggy state I just said he probably couldnt get an appt with a professional at the last minute. It didnt register with me.....untl later. He is saying I said it was ok which is not the case and I was clear about the boundary before he left. I just feel like he's gonna do what he wants and disregard how I feel despite that conversation. Is this just not a big deal; I have a history of minimizing my feelings in the spirit of not "wanting to be a nag" and "letting him" do what hes gonna do but things are different now. Id appreciate some feedback on this.....

A boundary is a boundary and he is clearly breaking it.

However I have no advice on what to do in those instances. My WH broke has broken one boundary since D-Day, he didn’t tell me about going to watch a soccer game when he got back from a work trip as he knew I would t want him to. That put us back months and he went back to counselling to try and work out why he just couldn’t tell me the truth.

Anyways since then he hasn’t (that I know of lol) lied to me again. He tells me the truth even when he knows I won’t necessarily be happy. It’s a huge step for him and us.

So, he calls me one morning, I was barely awake, and says he has the morning off and was by the pool and was going to try and get a massage. This is "normal" for us and during his travels but in my foggy state I just said he probably couldnt get an appt with a professional at the last minute. It didnt register with me.....untl later. He is saying I said it was ok which is not the case and I was clear about the boundary before he left.

Sounds to me like he tested the waters, got the unexpected tacit agreement he was looking for, and went with it. He shouldn't have been asking the question in the first place, per your boundary. It's an immature move, and it's on him to honor preset boundaries.

Have you shared your feelings with him? I'd tell him what I'm thinking and feeling. That I got caught off guard and then realized later that he violated a boundary by even asking. And I'd probably set a crystal clear boundary: Absolutely no massages when traveling, and only professional massage therapists when he's at home.

Some of those massage parlors with happy endings have professional licenses. So I would be more descriptive than that.

When I think of boundaries, I don’t think of them as rules with assigned punishments (though I am not suggesting you do either, I am stating this for clarity of what I am going to say)

I think of them more as what I am willing to tolerate without changing the status of our relationship. And I don’t mean straight to divorce. More-so, I think in terms of starting with detachment. Boundaries are where I end and you begin, so if you are going to jeopardize my peace over what you feel you are entitled to do, then I have the right to protect my peace and withdraw.

In this instance, if it were me, I would say he caught you on a technicality. I would give him the benefit of the doubt (because that is the quickest way to restore my own peace so that is what I would need- you may need different) but like soul sister suggests I would talk to him and reiterate the boundary -

"listen, I understand that you felt we came to an agreement. And I am giving you the benefit of the doubt that you thought I changed my mind. However, from now on, I need to you to honor our agreements. No massages, no asking me if you can get a message. This marriage right now is still very fragile and I have decided that reaching for my own personal peace is my highest priority. This being a point of contention interrupts that mission. A repeated attempt to do this will disrupt my peace significantly more than this time, as it makes me question your intentions. If it is your intention to love me, the best way you can show me that is to help me with my mission to protect my peace." And should he continue to walk all over that, then he is not doing the right things. You may need to impose the 180 on him.

[This message edited by hikingout at 11:33 PM, Thursday, February 13th]

I am a certified professional massage therapist so I know legit and not legit :)

Yeah this is the pattern of him doing what he wants and "I’ll get over it ". I’m less forgiving these days

Wow!! Selfish people really don’t want to get it.

I cannot imagine the disrespect you are feeling.

So sorry for you.

Let me start off by saying, you are in no way being a "nag" and you have every right to feel upset, angry, disrespected, etc. If I recall (correct me if I’m wrong), but your husbands A took place in massage parlours with these "escorts" and if I recall (correct me if I’m wrong) you posted an instance here not too long ago about him going to an Asian Massage Parlour on another business trip without asking your consent. Now he’s on another business trip and is casually throwing around the idea of going for a massage? I’m sorry, but this kind of thinking of his is wild.

You have clearly set a boundary … a boundary that is put in place for good reason. At 16 months, he should know better by now … I would find his behaviour very triggering.

I understand if he requires massages for medical/physical reasons and if that’s the case he could have gotten one before he left for his business trip or could get one once he gets home.

I’m hear to validate your thinking … yes, his complete ignorance and disregard for a boundary you put in place to keep you safe and sane is a big deal. Don’t let him make you think it’s not.

[This message edited by Heartbrokenwife23 at 2:56 AM, Friday, February 14th]

Heartbrokenwife-
I don’t know how to do the " quote thing" but NO he did not see prostitutes in massage parlors…..but yes there was another incident …..thanks for the support

Heartbrokenwife-
I don’t know how to do the " quote thing" but NO he did not see prostitutes in massage parlors…..but yes there was another incident …..thanks for the support

I don’t know how to do the " quote thing"

Copy the text you want to quote. Click on the Post Message bar. Paste the text you want to quote. Highlight the text and click the open quote " icon above the Message box. The B is to bold the text and I is to italicize the text.

I also get massages monthly. And if my partner was uncomfortable with it, I’d find another way to relax or help my partner be comfortable. Certainly skipping a week or two would NOT be a big deal or hardship.

I think you really need to think about what that boundary means to you. And you need to have a conversation with him asking him why he feels that boundary should be loose and push it, especially given his history.

I’m sorry he took advantage of the circumstances to get his way.

I am glad that your recovery has been going well. It is so hard at times, isn't it? You think things are going pretty darn good and then you can have something set you back like this. I have completely been there. I hope that he came around to your way of thinking and that he did not go through with the massage or if he did that he realized what a mistake he made and hopefully really trying to right this mistake. I will pray that it is smooth sailing from here on out. God Bless.

In case you didn’t see my other post……that ‘ trigger " I had re : massage was more than that it was my instinct saying something was wrong….he came home nd gaslit me. Perfect husband, poster boy of recovery…..found escort website on his computer and he admitted he’s been watching porn for 4 months…..in our home, he works from home as do I. We are together ALL the time but he made time by telling me he was too busy with work to walk the dogs with me. We also have a regular healthy ( ?) sex life…… I thought we were the ones who made it. He lied to me, to my face just Friday morning when I asked him if he had felt a p"pull"while travelling….he said never. He would never put me through the pain of infidelity again….he adores me and loves our life 😢