SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Back story: Learned of my husbands emotional affair (which included kissing) 6 months ago. Separated for about 5 of those months (which was him leaving me and waiting for his AP to leave her husband for a month and then trying to find himself when she stayed with her husband for the other 4 months). I was devastated and lived in shock for most of the time. 20 years together, 18 years married, been thru major health ups and downs, life had become stressful and we were living mostly like friends (but a friend wouldn't even betray another friend like this). I became so depressed and was barely functioning, if it weren't for our 11 year old daughter I would have given up.
Current issue: He decided to come home, wants to be a family, wants our marriage to work. I was thankful but worried. We discussed my terms: phone records, check ins, location sharing, marriage counseling (he and I have been doing separate counseling), no more contact with AP, typical expectations. He moved back in but it has been more awkward than joyous. Ovetime, he has expressed to me that he was deeply in love with her (although she was 25 years younger and would probably never leave her family) but he still seems to view it as true love. So, he has moping around like a heartbroken teenager instead of middleaged husband who destroyed his family. He seems more heartbroken over losing this lustful relationship and seems to be just settling to be at home. He tells me he loves me but seems awkward when we are alone or if I suggest alone time. He hasn't really complied with my initial terms either - I am still waiting for him to set up our couples session with his therapist, i haven't received any phone records, if I question what, where, why anything he gets defensive and claims "this was probably a mistake, I will never make you happy."
I have a lot of fear that comes from this entire episode that was really out of the blue and completely unlike him. I am not necessarily worried at this point that the affair is or will start up again but I worry that my husbands personality has completely changed and I am not sure who he is anymore. I fear he will never get over this deep love he had. We had a good, blessed life but he seems to have lost site of that and I fear that he will never be "in love" with me again and only love me as the mother of his child. In the grand scale, this is still pretty new (its been 6 months of hell but feels like a lifetime) so I have been trying to be patient but I don't feel confident in finding the love we once shared.
- Mentally he has been so different and unstable at times so I have tried to be patient. I have read that he needs time to grieve his loss and cope with his guilt and shame - but when do I stop being so understanding and more assertive with MY needs without making him feel pressured?
- Do I not bother wasting my time on someone who can't value and respect me and take the plunge for the D? or do I wait it out and see if time will heal him?
- I understand all situations are different and complex - but any advice, I would be grateful for. I am still in shock to be in this situation.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're here. We're currently having a problem in the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, but when those are resolved, I suggest you read the posts that are pinned to the top of the forum. There are some unpinned posts with bull's eye icons that are good reading. They're now on page 2-3, but I'll try to bump them when I can. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of good advice.

when do I stop being so understanding and more assertive with MY needs without making him feel pressured?

Whenever you're ready. There's a saying around here to take what you need and leave the rest. You'll receive lots of advice from our experiences. You're welcome to choose what works for your situation. R (reconciliation) is hard work and both partners need to be 100% in. Unfortunately, you can't drag him through R.

Your WH (Wayward Husband) should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Another good reference book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.
If he hasn't done what you've requested, ask him again and let him know that you're serious.

Do I not bother wasting my time on someone who can't value and respect me and take the plunge for the D? or do I wait it out and see if time will heal him?

What do you want to do? One thing I did was set a time limit to evaluate where we were and decide if I needed to wait or if I had my answer. It took me a while to see that my XWH (wayward ex-husband) wasn't doing the work.

When it's time to leave, you'll know.

Keep posting.

He only equates it to love. What has likely occurred he became addicted to the feelings the affair gave him.

I did this. It’s called a limerant affair. Dr frank Pittman writes some great articles on romantic infidelity. If you type limerance in Wikipedia there is also a pretty good description. The reason I think it’s likely is so many people have such common psychological effects from an affair it’s almost text book how they think and behave.

It’s a combo of the adrenaline and dopamine that surged through his veins. What happens in an affair is there is a push/pull dynamic in e hig uou oscillate between leaning into the escapism and then pull away because of reality. Everyone it goes back to leaning in, the highs are higher, Everytime it goes back to pulling away the lows are lower. Often people in this state really do not even know the AP as well as they think, their escapism makes them project and spin stories about them.

I had to be treated like someone with OCD because it creates compulsive thoughts and behaviors. It is incredibly painful to go through the withdrawal because your body is void of any happy chemicals. I built mine back up through diet, exercise, spending time in nature. Other need actual medication to deal with the depression.

My Ap was nothing great. But my whole self worth hinged on his acceptance or rejection. It’s a very desperate, lonely disease. I understand fully that I made those decisions to put myself in that position like a drug addict chooses their first experiences. But he should see someone who specializes in infidelity or love addiction because likely what is happening to him is not what he thinks it is.

I can not guarantee you, but I am reasonably sure enough to recommend that be evaluated by someone who understands dealing with limerance.

Sadie,

You need courage. Courage to put your foot down and force him to do the things you need.

But it takes courage because it can’t be a bluff.

Best wishes

set a time limit to evaluate where we were and decide if I needed to wait or if I had my answer. It took me a while to see that my XWH (wayward ex-husband) wasn't doing the work.

When it's time to leave, you'll know.

^^^This you will know in time whether R is worth it or not. It just sounds awful that you have to be exposed to his heartbreak at all let alone dealing with the aftermath of an A. Definitely have him read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. Sounds like you are currently in Detain and Torture. Hope he makes a turnaround quick before you lose hope and not even want the M, that can happen too.

Make sure you are focusing on yourself and getting better. He has his own issues to figure out and it's not your job to help him figure it out.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 7:15 PM, Wednesday, February 26th]

Oh Sadie, my heart hurts for you reading this. Learning about an affair is hard enough but to then hear your WS tell you they were deeply in love with the OP is another level. I hear what Hiking is saying but that does not make it any easier for you.

I agree you need to put your foot down so to speak. He should be focusing on becoming a safe partner not pining for this other woman but that can be easier said than done and you are in early stages.

I think one day though you will find your courage and you will give him the ultimatum he needs to hear. The 180 that you read about so often on this site may be a good way to go for you. You can detach from him and start working on yourself.

I do feel your pain having to watch him mourn the loss of his AP while in your home and telling you he "wants to repair your relationship!" I recall hating my WH with a passion during this time and looking at him in his despair made me see him as pathetic. It was when his AP was revealed to be betraying HIM and he had to face THAT, that I actually laughed in his face at how wonderful KARMA was! I let him know that I hope it was as painful as what he did to ME, if not more.

Sure, the coming down from an affair where they believe to have found their Soul Mate is going to be painful for the WS. Why they believe they can grieve in front of their BS is beyond me, as if WE would help them through it?!

I spent 36 years focused on HIM, his feelings, his betrayals, his this, his that. Life is too short to keep waiting for a fantasy. When I made the internal choice to live for ME... it was only then that my WS made a move to be a better person. It is likely way too little, way too late for my relationship (buy, I am not ready to leave, so I'll watch and see what he really does accomplish). Perhaps, it isn't too late for you to focus ONLY on YOU, and see how that plays out.

This forum has been the MOST help to me and the articles and experiences of so many supportive folks is overwhelming! I'm so glad you are here and I do hope we can find a place of healing peace, soon!

I am so sorry that you have to feel this pain. It is certainly not easy at all. I wish their was someone advising your husband and would be willing to tell him to not have diarrhea of the mouth. Whatever he is thinking he is truly feeling, is not real. He will one day wake up out of this brain fog and realize what a mess he has made. I just hope when that happens that you are still around and that you have made it work. If no one has told you lately, be so proud of yourself for trying to make it work. I will pray for you and your husband that you make this through this very trying time. God Bless.

M am sorry you are facing this issue. I had the SAME problem with my H’s midlife crisis affair.

I watched him walk around moping b/c the OW ended it or he ended it. But it was very short lived and a few months later they were back together and he was planning to D me yet again.

Google affair fog because that is where your H is. Believing he lost his schmoopie and he’s miserable.

My H snapped out of the fog at the last possible second because I was ready to D him. I finally lost my patience and had nothing left to give to a marriage or spouse who clearly believed he was in love with the loser OW.

Read up in the 180. Start protecting yourself. Because you need to be prepared that he may decide to leave you because he’s so depressed and misguided that the OW dumped him.

Don’t be his "go to" on this. You will regret it.