SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Foreword: I know all affairs and situations are different, but I assume everyone here was lied to and betrayed by their partner.

For those who have R’d (myself included, for now) why did you decide to R when someone you loved, and supposedly loved you, and took the vows of marriage (if married) broke all those rules, promises, lied to you, slept with another person, etc?

I ask myself, why am I allowing our life together to go on like nothing happened when he lied and cheated for a year and a half and brought home an STD?

Thanks for letting me ask this question, I’m sorry it if offends anyone.

I spent six years in the US Marine Corps — many people have tried to offend me, but I’ve seen and heard way worse.

In other words, I think your questions are great and anyone who is betrayed needs to ask.

For those who have R’d (myself included, for now) why did you decide to R when someone you loved, and supposedly loved you, and took the vows of marriage (if married) broke all those rules, promises, lied to you, slept with another person, etc?

Why?

I offered grace and a final chance, because despite all the damage done, I still loved her. As we know, love isn’t enough, but sometimes it is a start. This despite not being loved during the A. I chose to reach out one last time.

However, the final chance has new boundaries.

I had to learn why my wife needed that validation, and if she runs into similar duress in the future, will she choose poorly again?

Rules and vows were obliterated during the A, and the old deal didn’t work out, so I made a number of demands in the new deal. I think it helps that I don’t ask anything beyond what I expect of myself in the M.

We’ve re-learned communication, we have unlearned bad habits that harmed our M before.

We focus on who we are now versus what happened in the past.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 10:50 PM, Wednesday, March 12th]

I am 11 months from D-Day, so it's still early and uncertain for me, but here's my two cents.

For those who have R’d (myself included, for now) why did you decide to R when someone you loved, and supposedly loved you, and took the vows of marriage (if married) broke all those rules, promises, lied to you, slept with another person, etc?

I ask myself this question every day. It's not rude. It's the basic question I'm sure we are all asking ourselves.

The reason I chose to R is because my wife told me about the affair herself rather than allowing me to find out in other ways. That showed me she was willing to try and fix things.

I love her and didn't want to throw a twenty year relationship out without giving it a good shot at repair.

I also chose to offer grace and a final chance. None of us are perfect, and if she is willing to work on herself then I am willing to give a second chance.

If I'm being honest, I was also terrified of what it might mean to divorce. It still scares me, just not as much.

I've reached the point where I couldn't give a third chance unless I saw monumental effort from her. Another recurrence and it's straight to a lawyer.

This is not a rude question at all.

Like the others, after DD1, what I was thinking about was that I still loved WH and that I didn't want to give up on what had been a long and happy marriage without giving it a full effort.

I gave it my full effort, but in hindsight I know that didn't demand the same from my WH. I was too scared that he might not be able to - or might choose not to. We reconciled to the extent that I got beyond the affair and we had several good years together and with our kids.

But ultimately, my husband never did the work on himself to understand why - when he felt as if he needs weren't being met - he chose infidelity instead of talking with me or taking some healthier action. And 12 years later, DD2. The best WH could muster when this latest affair was discovered was that he "deserved to do something for himself", that if he'd been in a good marriage he wouldn't have had to cheat, lots of "I'm the victim" and blame shifting.

I'm in the middle of divorcing him, and while it is early days and there are still some hard days, I'm already much happier on most days than I was at the end of the marriage.

My story isn't meant to scare you from R if that's the path that you decide is best. There are plenty of happy R stories. The point is that if you are going to try R, you have to be all in, and so does your WH. Mine wasn't, and it took me years to figure that out.

12 years from Dday of affair#2. Happily reconciled.

Why did I reconcile? The first year after R I asked myself that question every day. The first thought I had every morning was "I cannot do this and I need to D him".

During his 2nd affair, which was a typical midlife crisis affair, he was planning to D me. After dday2 he’s begging to R. I wasn’t interested in Reconciling at all.

But my therapist pointed out that he was doing everything possible to make amends and perhaps I should reconsider. I decided to give him 30 days to see if he was going to stick with the changes he was making. Then another 30. And so on.

He made some drastic changes. And I can say 12 years later he’s not gone back to any of his old ways and realizes he made some very poor choices, including blaming me for his unhappiness.

He regrets the disrespect he showed me during our marriage and is truly remorseful.

I have to say I was always the one who if you cheated on me, I dumped you in a second and never looked back. I felt I was fighting myself b/c not only did I have to deal with this second affair, I also learned he admitted to the most recent OW that he did cheat on me w/ the first OW (who pretended to be my friend) and it was something he would never admit to me.

We addressed all the skeletons in the closet.

And he’s now afraid I might divorce him. My how the tide has turned.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:08 AM, Thursday, March 13th]

I wish I had some sage advice that so many other people on this forum have. I’m just offering solace in a companion who asked this question all the time. I don’t love him like I did before. I’m not sure. I love him at all. But he makes my life easier in a lot of ways And I have to recognize that. Maybe that’s enough for right now. I don’t think he’s cheating on me right now I don’t think he will anytime in the future so while I figure things out, maybe I can just step into the ease of life can be easier for me and my kids with him in it. I think I deserve a relationship where I love somebody the way I thought I loved him, but I also deserve a life that’s easier with someone helping me. This is probably not good advice because the amount of mental energy I put Into being with him any therapist would tell me to just end. I’m so sorry this isn’t good advice at all. I think I just really wanted to convey that I hear you.

Possumlover

Don’t take this wrong because I think we all post to help...

For those who have R’d (myself included, for now)

This tells me you think you two have reconciled or are in that process.

I ask myself, why am I allowing our life together to go on like nothing happened

This line tells me you might be misunderstanding reconciliation.
R is not the process of remaining married – that is just a side-effect or consequence of marriage. You can get the same result – remaining married – by rug-sweeping. Friend – I think there might be a bump from some past garbage under your marital rug...

When a couple reconcile, they deal with the past. They go through what happened, often in minute detail. That work, along with individual work to deal with the trauma, the loss of value and all that, along with work on communications, making expectations clear, goals... all that MC and IC and self-help and communications can bring.
When a reconciled couple move on it’s not based on moving forwards as if nothing happened. Do that and at best you move onwards – not forwards. You get time to pass without making much personal or relationship growth or improvement. If people truly work at reconciling, they move forward despite what happened, fully aware of what happened, and what might be needed to remain in a relationship.

Lots of reasons. Perhaps most important, I was pretty strong emotionally on d-day. I knew I was a good H, so I didn't think I was the problem. Also, W got us in to see her IC on d-day, and she - the IC - was terrific. She became our MC and she gave me a lot of unconditional and conditional support in the ensuing months, without regard to whether I chose D or R.

When I saw my W in the moments/hours/days/weeks after d-day, she looked like she was ill. I saw the A as a symptom of an illness. We didn't say the standard vows, but I thought they were implied. I didn't see her violations of her vows as license for me to disavow mine. Also, lust - she still turned me on.

Over the days/weeks/months after d-day, I saw totally consistent work towards R from my W. It wasn't always stuff I liked, but I could see that the work she was doing showed promise of disabling the enablers of her A and enabling the creation of a better M. She kept going, and I did my work (my emotional strength got used up over months, and I had to rebuild), so R succeeded.

I have chewed on this post for a few days. This was a big hurdle for me. It was one of the hardest. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. It’s completely understandable to grapple with the feelings of betrayal and confusion that come with infidelity. Rebuilding a relationship after such a breach of trust is undoubtedly challenging, yet many of us find ourselves considering reconciliation for various reasons.

For me, the decision to pursue reconciliation stemmed from a deep desire to heal and rebuild what was lost. It wasn’t about overlooking the pain or pretending that nothing happened; rather, it was about recognizing the potential for growth and transformation within both partners.

Grace plays a crucial role in this process. It is the ability to extend forgiveness, not just for the sake of the relationship, but also for ourselves. By embracing grace, we can begin to let go of the weight of resentment and shame. This doesn’t mean that we forget the hurt or dismiss the gravity of the betrayal; instead, it allows us to acknowledge our pain while opening ourselves to the possibility of healing.

Additionally, grace can manifest for some on here in the form of understanding. This one I still can't get to, but others have. It’s important to remember that we are all fallible and capable of making poor choices. This doesn’t excuse the behavior, but recognizing our shared humanity can help pave the way for compassion and empathy. This is very hard to really grasp, particularly if you have the fairness gene.

Choosing to reconcile can be a journey filled with difficult conversations, setting new boundaries, and actively working to rebuild trust. It takes time, effort, and a willingness to be vulnerable. While the road may be fraught with challenges, many find that it can also lead to a deeper connection and a renewed commitment to one another.

Ultimately, embracing grace doesn’t mean we overlook the past; it means we acknowledge it while choosing to navigate toward a future that honors both our pain and our hopes for restoration. Thank you for allowing me to share my perspective. I hope you find grace in R.
LHAP?

"like nothing happened"?

Hardly. Changed me forever, and I don’t like the change. Her cheating is always in the background, for both of us.

But I’ve posted this before, and will again (especially as it goes to LHAP’s post):

"A jeweler studies a raw stone. Looks at it every which way, under high magnification. Finds the tiniest little imperfection, a microscopic crack. Puts a tiny little chisel there, gives it the tiniest tap with a little hammer, and the diamond, the hardest substance on earth, splits open.

Maybe my WW had a tiny imperfection, a tiny little crack; and the right tap split her open.

Maybe I, too, have a tiny imperfection, but I’m lucky and haven’t gotten the right tap (yet)."

Or, to say it more simply:

There, but for the grace of God, go I.

There’s self-congratulation on this site and others: "I would never cheat, my morals are too good, I took vows, good boundaries, etc."

My WW would have said all those things, and believed them about herself, the day before she started down her slippery slope.

Sigh.

I chose to reconcile for many reasons.

1) I did not marry for love alone and in every aspect except fidelity he has been what I wanted in a husband. He did not break every marital promise and fidelity, although expected, was not my most valued promise.

2) We built a fantastic life together where we raised two great kids and are financially comfortable allowing us to travel, splurge on our kids, ourselves, and just enjoy life as we choose to.

3) he has no expectations from me. I do not work and he gives me freedom to come and go as i please . I can plan trips with and without him.

4) cheating was his issue, had nothing to do with me or our relationship so I had zero desire to give up the life I loved simply because he was a mental basket case. I vowed early on to keep enjoying my life regardless of him. Divorcing would have changed the life I love completely. In fact, other than the freedom to find another romantic partner (which I have zero desire to do) there were no positives in ending my marriage. I will admit, I don’t think I view marriage the same as most. I have fallen in and out of love with my spouse countless times in our long marriage, but have never felt the need to seek the romance when it was lacking. It comes and goes and that just never bothered me. The one thing I’ve needed and Prioritize and he’s always given is a shared commitment towards a common goal.

This in no way means cheating didn’t hurt me or that I excuse the abhorrent behavior or that I condone it in the future. It just means it wasn’t a deal breaker for me when I factor in what is impotant to me and what marriage provides me.

I decided to reconcile for several reasons.

1) Stayed for the kids. My instincts and history said, and a slew of scientific research shows, that kids need both parents present to optimize healthy upbringing. This is an obligation for me, and it heavily influenced especially my initial decision to stay.

2) Convenience. Starting a new relationship or even going without regular sex would be a hassle. She was remorseful and desperate for me to stay, so it seemed easier to build a better house on the existing foundation than to roll the dice and go through the ringamarole of a divorce.

3) I wanted to. This doesn't compel me and I can easily make a principled, pragmatic decision contrary to my own desires without regret. But events unfolded and things changed in ways which were aligned with this desire, so that part of it has been nice.

4) Clarity and authenticity. This is more a reason why I have stayed. Her willingness to have more difficult conversations, accept responsibility vs being defensive, and be emotionally proactive instead of stewing in un-communicated resentment, have all made the investment worthwhile. Now, I'll never qualify it as "better" because of the lost innocence, inflicted pain, and broken promises. But this new marriage is far more authentic and mature than where we were before.

5) Self-assuredness. I could walk out into the desert, naked and alone, and build back completely. I have the skills and strength to come back from nothing. Building back from something is a lot easier with less stress, when you're not vested in a certain outcome. It gives me freedom, versatility, and flexibility to engage in measured responses to whatever comes along, without being frustrated at an apparent lack of progress along a line that I "need" to occur.

Is superficially ironic that most of "reconciliation" between the two of us had more to do with me than with "us." But the part of the relationship that I'm responsible for is 100% me. When I'm sorted out and optimized, then we are improved.

No soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:00 PM, Thursday, March 13th]

Oldwounds: Thank you for sharing, I think my problem might be love, I’m not sure I love him like I did before. Can I ask if either or both of you went to counseling?

Theevent: Thank you, my H told me as well (even though I knew, I just couldn’t prove it) and has been very remorseful and apologetic. But that is all he’s done. It’s like I’m doing all the work to heal myself and I don’t get much from him, aside from him being overly loving and always wanting to be together. That must be his way of showing me he’s sorry. D scares me to death too, but I’m willing to do it if it makes me more happy.

Arnold01: Oh I’m sorry to hear about your D, but I’m glad you are happier now. I honestly don’t think my H would have another PA, but I also don’t feel like he’s done enough to help me heal. And the blame shifting irks me, I’m sorry that happened! We had a conversation recently that became a bit heated and he seemed to be trying to shift part of the blame to me. So frustrating!

The1stWife: Glad to hear you have R and he’s done his job to keep up with positive changes. I hope things continue on the right path for you!

Dandelion2024: Thank you for your response and thoughts. I too am sorry you are here. I could have written your statement of " I don’t love him like I did before. I’m not sure. I love him at all." I hear that! I’m struggling so hard right now with love. Keep us posted on your journey.

Bigger: your reply hits home for sure. I think you are right. He thought this was a one-night sleep on the couch transgression. WTF dude. I do believe he has not done much to help and he has just swept it under the rug. Meanwhile, I’m struggling so much and doing all the work! He has refused to go to counseling and gets a bit frustrated when I bring up the subject of the affair. Sigh

Sisoon: thank you. My situation appears to be the opposite. For him it seemed like taboo to discuss the A. Me, it’s all I wanted to talk about. I wish I could go back and do this over again. Thank you, and I’m glad your W has proven to you her commitment to your marriage.

Lordhasaplan: thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience. It makes sense and I think I need to completely open up our conversations again about the affair. I’m considering going back to counseling, something he has refused to do.

Formerpeopleperson: Interesting, thank you for your thoughts. My husband used to make "fun of" coworkers when they had affairs which ended in D and how stupid they were, they ruined their families, etc. Then what did he do!? Grrr

OnTheOtherSideOfHell: thank you for sharing. I’m glad your marriage is working for you and you are getting what you want from it. Thanks!

Mindjob: Thank you for sharing your reasons. I’m hoping to figure my reasons (for R or D)out sooner than later!

Oldwounds: Thank you for sharing, I think my problem might be love, I’m not sure I love him like I did before. Can I ask if either or both of you went to counseling?

We did a lot of counseling. About 7-months, IC and MC.

MC helped with communication, IC made sure I didn’t bury any of it, that I needed to process it all (the anger, sadness and pain stuff).

Love is never enough by itself, it clearly can’t prevent infidelity. Love needs trust, time and vulnerability and that takes work from both partners.

And it took me several years to be vulnerable again, and I think that’s where relationships make it or break it. Being vulnerable with the person who hurt us is the toughest part.

Thank you for your response. Maybe this is another topic post, but I do wonder, if he makes my functioning life better can I stay for that? At least for now? My IC doesn’t think so, but I do really see his efforts and he helps a lot now. Could we have marriage of convenience for now? Oxox I’m so sorry that o don’t advice to offer.

Also, thank you to everyone else who responded - I learned a lot reading these other posts. I’m awed by how smart you all are.