SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So hi all. Just found out 3/11 that my husband has been lying to me for at least 5 years about all sorts of inappropriate behavior which escalated to a PA that started March 2023 if not earlier. I found out because his AP messaged me on Facebook with screenshots. According to him, he blocked her months ago so now she was trying to hurt him and me since she couldn’t have him anymore. I had seen porn on his phone in early February which was upsetting because he’d always told me how terrible he thought the porn industry was and how it cheapened sex with your partner. We talked about it, he promised there was no one else, I read the book Come As You Are at his suggestion and we had pretty much the best month of our relationship. Now it’s obviously terrible. I had always had his passwords and phone access. He didn’t even delete all previous evidence (he did delete their messages at some point, I guess whenever it was that he blocked her) despite me always having access. Now I feel so naive. It was there, all this time.

I was angry but mostly devastated at first. Then came the TT with further confessions on 3/28 when I caught him in a lie via the messages she sent me (she made a new Facebook profile after I blocked her, changed my name, and changed my profile picture—I stupidly didn’t change my wall photo so that’s how she got me—where she posted 67 screenshots of their messages) where HE said something about what he did to her that he told me he didn’t do. I didn’t go to read them all, I intended to look at nothing but the date where the messages started because I desperately needed a timeline and he said he didn’t know, but I saw some things. Some insanely hurtful things. So I started over from the beginning of my healing, told him that his selfishness set us back and made it even less likely that I will trust him in future. I told him that if he doesn’t tell me the truth and we reconcile, that he needs to know that I don’t love him and don’t want him. He said he was afraid that telling me the truth would "hurt" me more even though he’s already been reading the books that say BE ENTIRELY TRUTHFUL. He was worried that if I knew the details I would have a hard time doing those things with him in the future. But since that time he has offered up some information on his own, I guess trying to prove that he is doing it right.

He started IC on Friday and has another session tomorrow. We have started MC. I resumed IC with my counselor the day after I found out. My husband is ex-army, drank too much, felt unloved as a child etc etc all the things that can lead a man to stray. He was seeking validation because he couldn’t clearly communicate what he needed from me (again cue the childhood issues). It didn’t help that I had a stroke in the months before Covid and was put on meds that killed my sex drive and our kids were 2 and 3 at the time and then his best friend died so yes. Lots of stressful factors all at once.

Since the secondary confession, im just constantly furious. We have a 7 and 8 year old. They can tell something is wrong. Spending time together as a "family" makes me feel like I’m on the verge of panic which is devastating because I so so so LOVED my life before this. I loved my relationship with him. I loved watching him with the kids. Now I see a stranger and his touch feels repulsive.

I know everyone is different. How long did everyone stay angry? I know im going to cycle through all the different stages but this is the longest I’ve been trapped in anger and definitely the deepest loathing I’ve felt yet. And I hate feeling this way.

ETA: His facade was that of a perfect husband and father. I thought he was too good to be true.

[This message edited by IsThisTheRealLife at 10:20 PM, Sunday, March 30th]

Welcome to SI and sorry that you've had to join the best group that nobody wants to join. First, the resources blurb. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are some non-pinned posts with bull's eye icons that are good resources, too. (I recommend the ones on consequences.) The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a ton of great information.

If he wants R (reconciliation), then he needs to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a nice starting point for him to follow. (I read it and agreed to most of the items.) Another good reference book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. This one may be good for the two of you to read together and compare thoughts/feelings.

One of our members is really good at pointing out that it isn't always the A (affair) that ends the M (marriage), but it's the actions after the A that end the M. Basically, lying and TT (trickle truth) are the straws that break the camel's back.

Both of you should have STD/STI testing done. There are some nasty things out there, and they are health hazards for you. HPV can be brutal, as well as other diseases that are out there.

Ask him for a timeline, with details about thoughts & emotions around those things. Another thing may be to work on a full therapeutic disclosure that he does with his therapist. As for MC, please be careful as many use the "unmet needs" fallacy and may subtly shift the blame to you. The A was entirely 100% on him. Many MCs shift some of the blame to the BS (betrayed spouse - you) and that's not true. If we went on the unmet needs portion, I'd have been the one who cheated.

Cheating is more of a character flaw. If your WH (wayward husband) isn't willing to do the work, then it may be really hard to R (reconcile). Both partners need to be in 100% because it's hard work.

If you can, in an age-appropriate manner, let your kids know that there is an issue that you and your WH are working on and none of this is due to them. It isn't something they did or didn't do (that advice goes to you, too) and that there are some things that mom & dad are working through.

We call it the emotional rollercoaster and it can take you for a ride at any time. For me, the first year was horrible. I would go out to my car and scream & cry till I was hoarse. The second year, I'd still have ups & downs but could control the anger a little bit more. But - at about 18 months, XWH (wayward ex-husband) crossed my hard boundary and we were headed for D (divorce).

My second therapist was a betrayal trauma specialist and we worked through The Grief Recovery Handbook, which really helped me release a lot of my anger.

Is This: (Hugs). Awful what is happening to you and your children. Wow! What comes at me right from the start is - your WS doesn't get EXCUSES for his shxxty behavior. There is no good reason to cheat on your spouse! Not ever! Don't accept any excuses, don't give him any excuses.
To answer your question - the anger comes and goes for me. It is feelings that are still evolving while I try to figure out how to take care of myself and heal from this mess.

Welcome to SI, I’m sorry you’re here.

First, good for you getting into counseling. Second, don’t have any expectations one way or the other in regards to the outcome of marriage counseling - just go and do the work.

Third - I was mad for years. It’s been 12 years since I found out, and every now and then around the holidays it still pisses me off because I know he essentially ruined the holidays for my middle child. Overall though, I no longer give two shits. Honestly, his cheating was a gift, otherwise I still would have been my codependent self swirling around his NPD self in this awful unhealthy relationship. I have reached the place of ambivalence about him, and think of him as a stranger who also has no effect on me.

You’ll get there. It’s pretty early yet and don’t even know if you know everything you should be angry about!!

Hang in there. It will get better.