SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't really know what my goal of posting here is. I just need to get this off my chest. I'm brand new and I don't know the lingo so I won't be abbreviating the way I see everyone else doing.

She finally gave up on me.
Around 4 years ago, I met the woman I've always dreamed of, and we were so so happy. But then I cheated.
She tried to stay with me for around 2 years after D-Day. But she just wasn't happy with me anymore.

I will make no excuses, I feel horrible for what I've done, and our future together that I destroyed. Any detail I put here is for context, not excuses.

I was r*ped when I was younger by an older man, and since then I've developed a weird trauma-driven attraction to men. Again, I am not making excuses for what I've done, I made the bed and now I'm sleeping in it.

I cheated on her with a man, it was minimal but still very much cheating. I told her a few days later, I confessed to everything.

We've spent nearly two years trying to learn how to be happy again. She was no longer able to trust me, or show me any kind of affection.

We've broken up before, but usually after fighting. This time was different. It came out of nowhere, I asked "do you still love me?" And it led to us having a long conversation. We both love each other deeply and we both want it to work. But she simply can't be happy with me anymore. I don't blame her. We simply cried and held each other and said goodbye.

I've endured many breakups but nothing like this. Especially it being 100% my fault. The guilt and shame are absolutely consuming me. That poor girl stayed and tortured herself for two years out of love for me. I can't stop thinking about how happy we were in the beginning. I think of the way she used to look at me and smile, and it breaks my heart. I feel like a villain. I cannot believe this is reality and this is where we ended up. The beginning was so beautiful and our future was so bright.

Why did I have to destroy that ? Why did I have to destroy her ? What the hell was I thinking ?

We never tried therapy, I should have pushed harder for it as it was my responsibility to make things better. I sent her a text suggesting we try one more time and go to therapy together. I haven't gotten a reply. It's really over.

I could never hurt her or anyone else in this way ever again. I suppose it's a lesson I needed to learn. But why did it have to be with her ?

Nobody has ever loved me the way she did and I don't think anyone else ever will.

I feel like a demon, like the worst human garbage on this planet. I singlehandedly stole her happiness away from her and destroyed our future. It hurts so unbelievably bad. And I know that she feels even worse.

I don't know what type of response I'm looking for, I just needed to type this somewhere. Please be kind, I already hate myself enough. I regret my decision entirely and refuse to ever make the same mistake. I have no reason to lie in an anonymous forum.

Is it wrong for me to even be trying to contact her ? She's been my best friend for years and the only person I could lean on, I don't know how to handle her absence.

In the end it's her choice. I know that. And honestly, I really just want her to be happy. I've changed and grown so much since then, I know I can be the partner she needs. But the wound is still fresh as it ever was for her.

Is it wrong for me to keep trying ? Should I just accept the way things are and give up on the love of my life ? Will I ever be able to forgive myself for ruining us ? Does it ever get better for someone like me who's made such a horrible mistake ?

I miss her so f*cking much.

Staff have been discussing if this thread should have been posted in the Wayward forum where we can better protect the original poster if the replies get heated. For now, we will respect the OP decision to post here, but ask that anyone replying keep in mind that OP is seeking help and guidance. As per our guidelines:

SurvivingInfidelity.com® is a peaceful, constructive and devoted site with offering our support towards others during such a torturous time in their lives.

This is a complex situation.
Cheating is devastating to a relationship, but a same-sex affair probably adds a heavy twist to the doubts and questions the betrayed partner experiences.
For us – the betrayed – cheating raises so much doubt about us and our qualities and abilities. Why weren’t’ we enough? A good part of the guidance offered on this site is convincing them that we were – the issue is with the person that cheated, not us. If you cheated with a man... well... how can your female partner ever think she can compete with that? I think that might be a key factor in her decision.

What would I suggest?
Well... focus on yourself rather than the relationship per se.

You have a lot of trauma to deal with, and maybe the key question you need to be totally 100% honest and clear on to YOURSELF is your sexuality.
Being raped by a man won’t "make" you gay, but nor would it make you straight if you had homosexual tendencies. I think a key-factor for you is to define your sexuality, to set the compass straight. No matter how much you two care for each other, if your tendencies were towards men this relationship as a couple is doomed IMHO. But clarifying sexuality could make you the best of friends.

In the strongest words I encourage you to seek counseling for the abuse and the trauma it might have caused.

What you can do regarding her is that once you have taken the first steps to your own recovery (as in contacted a PTSD-specialist, rape-victim specialist or whatever and set up the appointments) is ask her to talk. Let her know what you are thinking and have planned, and ask if there is some way you two can remain on friendly terms (maybe even non-dating) for maybe 30-60 days. Just remember – all you can do is ask, and you need to respect her answer.

Are you actively in therapy for your trauma bonding? If anything stands out in your short posting, is that you have been traumatized deeply from your childhood experience. You are not a victim for what you did to your girlfriend, but obviously your victimhood has led you to where you are today. I hope that you can work through that, and break free of your past trauma.

You have to give her space. If you care for her like you claim, you need to let her find her happiness. No matter what has happened to you, she did not deserve this betrayal, and she needs to heal. If she wants you to be part of that process, she will ask for your help. But as for now, she is doing what she feels is best for her.

If you two were ever to get together again, the BEST thing that you can do to make that a possibility is to make yourself as safe a partner as possible. Saying that you can never do that again is one thing; showing through actions, like personal therapy, reading, journaling---is another.

Good luck. Sorry for the betrayals that you both have suffered.

I didn't mean to post in the wrong place I apologize everyone.

You didn’t post in the wrong place...
In General there is a lot more leeway in who can reply and how.
Chances are you will get a lot more responses here, and that can be good for you.
You will also get some direct and hard responses – and that too can be good.

However... what we don’t want is responses that really don’t contribute anything beneficial.
Each forum has a set of guidelines. The wayward forum offers staff more leeway in steering harmful responses. If we move this thread it will be either by your request OR we think the response aren’t in line with our guidelines.

Is it wrong for me to keep trying ?

Yes.

I miss her so f*cking much.

That is your cross to bear.

I hope at some point you will seek counseling and therapy, and start moving forward. To fully accept that what happened happened, and to then put the cross down. Stop driving your car while looking in the rearview mirror. Right now you are desperate to have a different past, but that is of course impossible to realize. The only way is forward.

Sending strength, friend.