SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out my wife was having an emotional affair (she calls it a flirtation) with a police officer who she met on the school run. I travel a lot and live and work in two countries. It gives her a lot of freedom to do what she wants. She has been vague about the affair and has been caught in lies a few times. As it was at the school it was important for me that he knew I found out. I felt it was for him to look out for me and avoid me rather than the other way around as in my mind it would trigger me every time I went to the school. I didn’t want to think about this guy at all!My wife did not want me to confront him and I got that because of the risk of things blowing up and her being embarrassed in front of other parents etc. I therefore asked her to hand him a note telling him I knew and to keep away from me (she said she never had his number). She said from the beginning she never knew where he lived, his surname, almost nothing. It turned out she did and that she had a work friend who knew him. She got her friend to ask him for permission to give him the note and its contents. I found out this happened. I find it childish and manipulating and to be honest worse than the affair. She was either protecting him or herself from any fallout. I feel betrayed twice but not sure if I’m overthinking this!

Once it’s a secret it’s an affair. She needs to get tougher boundaries. Semantics. People use euphemisms all the time to get out of telling the truth. The cops name is on his uniform.

Welcome to SI and sorry you're here. I don't think you're overthinking. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. The Healing Library is another great resource.

Your WW (wayward wife) should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. (You can read them, too.) The HTHYSHFYA is a blue print for her to follow to help you heal. NJF is a more indepth look at different facets of As (affairs). NJF has a checklist to help figure out if it's an A or not, and is one of the first to acknowledge an EA (emotional affair). One chapter is called Windows and Walls and is a good example of boundaries.

IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed therapist can be helpful for you. Your WW should be in therapy to work on becoming a safe partner.

In my opinion, I think you two need to have some deep discussions about what marriage means to you, and why you got married and why still want to be married - to each other. I know marriage counselors can suck but this is a time when maybe it would help if you can get someone who doesn't obviously promote one side over the other. If this were me, I'd be concerned that my husband was looking. Yeah, maybe you find that one person that catches your eye, you start talking, etc....maybe it doesn't go any further, but it might also be possible that she's starting to look and you want to nip that in the bud by addressing or healing any problems between you. You might not think there ARE any (except for this) but she might have other ideas). I wouldn't gloss over this or just take it as ended, I'd start a dialogue esp as you've caught her in some lies. Hopefully this is early enough you can work things out.

Sending love and hugs sorry you are in this position you will get good support here. They always downplay it, it was "just flirting/messages" etc. When its an affair. My H was the same. You are not overthinking.

Just been through similar in August.

There are some really good posts pinned which are very helpful on here xx

Hmm, wife works at a school, has an EA with a PO who works at the school, why does this sound soooooo familiar? Oh yeah, my wife did the SAME thing :/

When I confronted my wife she gave me the same BS that it was just "harmless flirting, she hasn't crossed any lines "

The sext messages I saw said otherwise :/

She told me he was married so I asked "Does his wife know? Would she think it was just harmless flirting? What about our family and friends? Would they?" Of course her answer was NO

The entire hour long conversation she just sat there with her arms folded shooting daggers at me with her eyes. Every word dripped with anger. When gaslighting didn't work she switched to dismissal (no big deal husband). When that didn't work she accused me of having secrets. "OH YEAH, WELL WHAT SECRETS DO YOU HAVE THAT I DON'T KNOW ABOUT " Huh?

Yes, she is protecting herself and him, moreover herself. Find out if he is married/has girlfriend and if so find her and tell her. I waited five months before doing so and I highly regret waiting. My wife's AP is and has kids. This was his second affair and he had a third after things ended with my wife

I found out on Thursday, told my wife on Friday when she got home from work that I needed her to pack a bag and leave, met on Sunday to figure out if I was divorcing her which I was committed to doing if she continued with the gaslighting, minimizing, DARVO nonsense, went to the school Monday morning and had a twenty minute face to face conversation with her AP.

At this point I was a shell of a man, I felt completely gutted. I had zero anger. My speech was basically a summation of my 27 years (more than half my life) of dedication devotion and sacrifice for a woman that I now had no idea who the hell she was. I told him I have no idea if our marriage will survive. I hoped it would change his way of thinking and I could save another man from going through this. It didn't. He ended up banging another coworker ON HER DESK and in his car.

My wife was pissed when I told her when she got home. "WHAT IF HE DID/SAID SOMETHING THAT TRIGGERED YOU AND THERE WAS AN INCIDENT? WHAT IF SOMEONE OVERHEARD YOU? MY COWORKERS COULD HAVE FOUND OUT!" Truth is he could have said anything but I had nothing left inside, I was crushed. Once again she was protecting herself, not me, not our family, same as your wife.

Could your wife have simply kept it at "harmless" flirting? Maybe. Could she have ended up banging him in the back seat of his car? Yup. EVERYONE is capable of having a full blown physical affair. Everyone :/

Your wife is trickle truthing you. She's trying to tell you just enough in hopes that you think you know everything (you probably don't) and are willing to sweep it under the rug and move on because that's what is easiest for HER.

Truth is, your marriage is broken. Your wife let another man inside your relationship. It only ended (maybe it's ended?) because you found out. Something is missing or broken in her and that's why she allowed this to happen.

I demanded MC immediately, big mistake. I hadn't found SF yet, otherwise I would have demanded IC for both of us and after several months if I thought I wanted to stay in the relationship then I would have demanded MC. Skip the MC for now. MC's tend to focus on saving the marriage and pushing for you to move forward, start your brand new shiny marriage! :/

My advice, demand your wife start IC now. Demand your wife sends him an unequivocal no contact email with you copied. Demand she blocks him in every single form. Demand access to her phone, social media, email, etc. Demand she deletes all messaging apps. BTW, did you know that iPhone to iPhone texts do not travel through your cell provider? I didn't. Ask me how I learned that :/

Your wife has a lot of freedom with her time because of your work travels. And you discovered she was having an EA (allegedly not a PA). That could easily have been the next step. Affairs tend to ramp up, not down.

She needs IC.

ETA: Another suggestion. Tell her you need a written timeline of the affair with every detail included such as when did it start, how often were you communicating, how did you communicate, are you still communicating, were you together away from school, was he ever in our house or our car, were you ever in his, etc. Demand a thorough accounting. And when she delivers it then ask is this everything? You are positive this is everything? If she says yes then ask are you willing to take a polygraph test? If her immediate response is yes then she's probably being honest. If she stalls or starts asking questions or just says no, well you can assume she didn't tell you everything. If she wants to review her accounting you can assume she will never be honest.

Reconciliation rarely succeeds when there is trickle truthing

[This message edited by WB1340 at 9:28 AM, Thursday, September 25th]

Could you elaborate on the emotional affair?
We don’t need gory details, but you call it a flirtation. That covers quite a scope, ranging from semi-innocent "seeing a big man like you makes me feel safe" to the more direct "would love to be cuffed by you". Or was it more direct? Was it implied or direct descriptions of acts? Sexual, inuendo or a shared interest in Harry Potter? One sided or mutual? Verbal or texts...

This is all relevant. EA’s are a strange thing. They can be one-sided. As in your wife being infatuated with him. They can be non-sexual (and in fact IMHO that is the definition of an EA) but too intimate in info shared. It’s even common that one or both don’t realize they are in any form of affair. Unlike "old school" sexual affairs where it’s pretty clear what’s going on.

I have to say that focusing on removing the OM is a lot like writing the Jack Daniels distillery asking them not to sell their products in your town. It’s probably a good thing that you made him aware of your knowledge, but the real issue is your wife. If you travel a lot for work then there isn’t really much you can do to prevent her from having an affair.
What I think can be best is making it very clear to the spouse that if they want to they can cheat – you can’t prevent that. If they are so unhappy they need change they can make change – you can’t prevent that. But that they need to do so the RIGHT way – demand change with you, or file for divorce. If they want "excitement" elsewhere then they need to let you know, because you have decided that you don’t share your wife. She can do what she wants but with the expected consequences. That if she cheats you will inevitably know, and that would lead to a divorce. Ask that she be honest about it so you can both move on – OR that you both commit to making the marriage work.

Welcome to SI sorry you had a reason to find us. Going off the limited information you have provided it is clear your Wife has made herself available. Flirting is sending a message that she is open to more intimacy, either by physical or electronic means. THIS IS CHEATING!
It’s what we call the slippery slope, she gives herself little permissions and justifications all the way down the hole, don’t focus on the other man, you need to put your foot down and take action.

With that said, if the police officer was acting inappropriately then he needs to be reported to the proper chain of command.