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I find that as I go through the divorce process, I'm mostly left with a sense of anger at WS for destroying our lives so thoroughly. The actual paperwork and decision making has been fairly amicable, and we've avoided involving lawyers other than to to look over said paperwork, but this whole thing is such a huge hassle at this stage of our lives. We have to dissolve a trust, move around a bunch of investments, and it's just So. Much. Work. I think about the ways in which I could've spent this time and effort, and it makes me so irate.

What do you do with feelings like this? There's not much point communicating them to WS. Is this part of the grieving and healing process? Will the anger eventually simmer down and be replaced by relief? (Which I do feel quite often when I see WS's behavior lately - I'm glad that I won't be financially tied to him for much longer!) Should I schedule a session with my therapist just to vent?

I feel you and relate and understand your frustration.

What do you do with feelings like this?

Just live with the feelings and deal with them one day at a time.

Some days better than others.

With T.I.M. E (sorry to use this dreaded four letter word) things will get better.

But slowly.

Sending hugs and strength.

Thanks, Dorothy. That's a fair answer. I hate being angry. It's not my natural state, nor my preferred one, but I am good at being patient.

Maybe an opportunity to vent will help release these emotions.

And hopefully once released it is done! And you feel a sense of peace.

When and if T.I.M.E ever makes this fade I'm still waiting.

It's been 7 years and I can say I had a brief time when it did fade, but it made a resurgence and is almost as bad as it was the first round.

If you can stop having contact then I can imagine it will improve, but if you have young kids, or constant contact like I do though having to be employed in the same business, it may never go away.

Contact=triggers, new women/men =triggers Holidays=memories that can take you down a dreary path

If I had medical and enough spare money I'd go to a therapist, but I can't do it. I make too much to get free help, and therapy isn't cheap. I need it, I can honestly say at times I'm circling the drain, but I have to see every new woman and it's in my face at work as he forces me to hire them.

I wish peace for you. I hope you find outlets for your feelings that you find comfort in. I wish all the things for you that I've not found peace and acceptance with yet.

[This message edited by Muggle at 4:58 PM, Thursday, December 25th]

The lingering anger is what is making my reconciliation very difficult - for both of us.

I just made a dig at him on Christmas. He never remembers which stocking is which, even though for 50 years he has had a green one and I have the red one. 50 years.

He had put the stocking stuffers he bought for me into his own stocking. We all figured it out, but I just had to make my remark about it being 50 years and he can’t get it right.

My comment made for an uncomfortable moment. I was stupid to do it. And somehow I just said the stupid thing anyway. I had initially intended for it to be funny. It wasn’t, because my anger showed through.

I hate that. Nobody in the family knows what he did, so nobody really understood why my tone was…shitty. It was shitty of me. I apologized for it to him.

He is seen by the entire family as this perfect guy, loveable, and who treats me well. I am seen as the one who is hard to get along with.

I just cannot stand it sometimes and want to scream out what he has done, so I can tear down his facade and make them see that the reverse is true.

The fact is, however, that even if they all knew, their opinions are so ingrained they would likely blame me for all seven affairs.

This sucks.

I guess I’m angry today, still.

I so badly want to not be angry. I struggle with getting past it. I wonder if going to one of those places where they let you use a bat and smash stuff everywhere would help release it LOL.

[This message edited by 5Decades at 6:05 PM, Friday, December 26th]

The fact is, however, that even if they all knew, their opinions are so ingrained they would likely blame me for all seven affairs.

5Decades, have you considered that this might not be true? I made a lot of assumptions/had beliefs that haven't always been right. What you state here isn't a fact until it happens. Why do you feel like you have to hold it all in while he basks in everyone's praise? I've held back from our kid (age 16) and our wider friends & family, but the inner circle knows what he did. One day, I will tell our daughter, too, but she has enough going on that she doesn't need the drama right now. After the divorce is all done, I'll have no qualms about telling friends and family either. Are you holding back because you think that's the only way R will work for you?

Muggle, I wish you peace as well! As my therapist says, time by itself isn't enough. What you do with that time also matters. I know you're in a really difficult and ugly situation, and I hope fate turns in a way to make your life easier (and happier and more peaceful) one day!

NoThanksForTheMemories,

In my case, I have a previous precedent as evidence of how this all would go.

My husband once walked out the door on me, when our oldest daughter was a toddler. He was a musician at the time, playing the club scene with the "bonus" of women throwing themselves at him.

He and his bandmates thought that they would be the next stars on the Walk of Fame. He walked out on me and said, "I don’t love you, I never have loved you, and I never will love you."

He did that because he saw our daughter and me as "weighing him down" and keeping him from the sure fame and fortune he deserved. He was gone for three or four months.

When I explained that he had left to my parents and family, every one of them asked me something along the lines of, "What did you do? It must have been really bad for him to leave. He would never leave unless you did something."

(This was ALSO what I was asked when a boyfriend I had prior to meeting my husband had beat me badly, the police had put me in protective custody, and he left me with cuts and bruises all over my body. I was asked, "What did you do to make him have to beat you?" Yes, this is how they reacted.)

He came back after that separation. He immediately cheated on me, the very night he came home. One affair I caught, but he had a second that he concealed until after a DDay in 2023.

Anyway, my mom told me that if we ever got a divorce everyone would know it was my fault because he is such a good man.

Things have not changed since then. The rift is even deeper with my family after my mom has passed away.

And his family has always made it very clear that they think I am a gold digger (damn, I wish he had some gold) and that I am "tolerated" not loved.

Anger is fine, as long as you recognize it and don’t let it control you.
Maybe rephrasing your anger can help. Rather than be angry when you think of the consequences of his decisions then try thinking "Thank God he won’t be able to impact my life moving on".

I do want to warn about one thing you mention:
Make 100% certain you are getting what is yours in the divorce. It’s not enough that an attorney reads what you two agree on – sort-of proofreading the agreement. Have an attorney YOU hire go through everything and give you their view on a) if you are forgetting something, b) sacrificing something that you are entitled to and c) all bases covered.

5Decades, that is awful, and I'm sorry your family is so unsupportive! How anyone can see a person who cheats as wonderful and lovable is beyond me. I can see them agreeing to forgive him for your sake, but blaming you and idolizing him is messed up. I hope you have some friends in your corner, and I'm glad you have us here at SI!

Bigger, I'm retaining a lawyer who will represent my interests when she reviews the separation agreement. STBX is aware that he's free to do the same, but I don't know if he will. IME, lawyers will only represent one individual unless they're dealing with a married couple (but not a divorcing couple). Our estate attorney dropped us like a hot potato when we told her we're getting divorced and told us to find our own attorneys to deal with the dissolution of our family trust.

I think I'll have more gratitude about being free of him in the future after the divorce is final and the kid is an adult. At that point, I will likely move further away. Right now, our lives intersect a lot, and that means his actions still impact my future.

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 8:10 PM, Sunday, December 28th]

5Decades Things have not changed since then. The rift is even deeper with my family after my mom has passed away.

And his family has always made it very clear that they think I am a gold digger (damn, I wish he had some gold) and that I am "tolerated" not loved.

You can't control the narrative, and they frequently portray a different version where they aren't the villain, and you are. Although we all suffer wanting to correct the marriage history story, we can't. People will believe what they believe, no matter if it's 100% false. My cheating ex WS hasn't told the truth to any of the women he's dated or pursued. He gives a vibe that his life was ruined, and all these bad things are caused by anything but his own actions. He goes with the theme that all women rip men off and are users.

"Perfect" looking men/women can hide their true self from others, only letting the monster out when with their partner.

I urge you to think of the future for you and your child. Protect EVERYTHING possible. Think of things that haven't even come into play yet if your child is still young. I received most of what's below and I had a 23.5 year common law marriage with 3 children with him when we divorced. These things can be a percentage divided or he might be totally responsible for depending on the division of assets.

Men especially think that "child support" should cover everything, but as women we often end up struggling to cover expenses that should be shared. We still have to put a roof over our childs head, and food and basic necessities like heat, and such, and it's not fair to burden one parent financially more than the other. HE won't be the one losing income if your child stays home sick and you can't go to work.

1. Reserve college continued child support for up to 4 years if it applies later in life. If they don't pursue college then it doesn't apply but it's a huge expense.
2. Cell phone for your child in the future.
3. Help or pay medical and dental for your child
4. Extra curricular activities for sports, band, school trips and prom. School related things are EXPENSIVE.
5. Car insurance, driving classes when your child is old enough to drive.
6. Clothing allowance for yearly changes in season, and your child growing.
7. School supplies.
7. Help with the cost of a used car when your child is old enough to drive.

Get EVERY SINGLE PENNY you are entitled to. You owe him no mercy.