SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I like what Inkhulk said ..."tantrum".
She is trying to find some way to maintain control. That is not good.

Hello WH,

If she was being honest with you and wanted to prove herself to you, what logical reason could there ever be for her not wanting you there? The answer, There isnt one.

Personally, I think this is just a ploy to create drama so she doesnt end up going. To create a "well the heck with it then" environment that she can spin in her favor later.

I would call her bluff and just have her go to take it and they'll send you the results. I agree that you want to confirm its actually her that shows up. Alot of times they'll confirm the person's name in the questioning anyways.

The only reason I say to do this, is you need some sort of closure on this. You've gotten alot of good advice from others in this post. But decision making will be easier if you truly know the full depth of what your dealing with here.

If I were you, I would try not to take the bait. Shes trying to create an environment where you escalate. Try to stay calm and dont feed into it. When she gets you upset, she's dominating you by hijacking your emotions and manipulating you. You can show your strength by not allowing that, shut it down calmly or walk away. Show her she cannot effect your emotions.

Even if she does take the test it doesnt sound at all like she is truly invested in reconciliation. I agree with others that you need to focus on yourself and what is best for you. I understand the situation with the children, but if you both are unable to reconcile this and have a healthy relationship, they'd be much better off having two parents that love them that are separated in healthy environments vs. A hostile environment with you trying to stay together. You can still play a huge part in their lives whether your together or not.

Overall, no one is going to look out for you, but yourself in this situation. Dig deep and be your own advocate.

I understand exactly how hard this is and I feel for you deeply here. Good luck and keep us posted on how it goes.

[This message edited by TheBetrayedHusband at 7:50 PM, Friday, January 9th]

Well from what I can tell she went and if she sent someone else they took her phone and he check if he said I guess if nothing else I’ll get a piece of mind one way or the other. After the events of the last few days I think we are past staying together but I will know no more wondering and if I messed up just not believing and moving on or if my gut was right.

Well you all were right she did go and didn’t take the test sniffled and couldn’t take deep breath’s so she couldn’t test and it still cost me so guess I got my answers

Seems like you did get your answer. I'm sorry. What did she have to say for herself.

Edit: did she have the sniffles when she left (whenever you last saw her)? How long did she sniffle after she returned home?

[This message edited by Lostinmarriage at 1:56 AM, Saturday, January 10th]

Well she still hasn’t come back to the house she went to dinner with her friend and mom. I said I would appreciate it if you stayed at there place tonight to which her response was I went I tried to take your test and your still going to treat me this way. All I said was I’m not going to argue.

"Trying" is not passing. It's just a different kind of failure. Did you hear from the person

administering the test? What were his impressions?

Good job not arguing.

[This message edited by Lostinmarriage at 2:03 AM, Saturday, January 10th]

All he said was he reviewed the questions with her she was visibly upset and when he went to administer the test told she couldn’t sniffle or breathe in deeply for 30 minutes so she didn’t take the test end of story. She clearly knew how to get out of that’s why she didn’t want me there because she is still lying I just need to move on and try to end this as safely as possible since it’s clear she is trying to take everything from me. I just have to be careful moving forward

She’s acting like a spoiled brat of a child. It’s either her way or forget it.

Now you see exactly who and what you are dealing with. I’ve been down this road and I can tell you from experience she has NO REMORSE or guilt about the affair. She can cry all she wants, those tears and the act she puts on is fake.

I’m proud of you being able to stand up to her by saying you are not going to argue about it. That’s YOU taking control and not allowing her to dictate what your reactions will be.

Honestly I think many of us here at SI knew she wasn’t going to submit to the polygraph test. There are some very predictable behaviors that cheaters do after Dday. No polygraph or counseling is one, minimizing the affair, refusing to be truthful or be completely honest about the details of the affair, etc.

You have stated you want to R with her. And you certainly can choose that but I hope you understand what your future holds. You have a glimpse of your wife’s attitude and mindset. She is expecting you to suck it up and move on. She has been very clear she’s not doing anything to help you heal.

I’m her mind it’s her way or she will make your life miserable.

And she can only make your life miserable if you let her. If you strip her of any power or control over you, then she can TRY to bully you or push you around, but it just won’t work.

As o said in my previous post, STOP TRYING TO TALK TO HER ABOUT ANYTHING REGARDING YOUR MARRIAGE. it’s only going to frustrate you. And continue to allow her to manipulate and lie to you.

The fact that after refusing the polygraph she went out to dinner is a huge tell. She’s not saddened or remorseful or upset or anything. She’s basically celebrating the fact that she didn’t take the test.

And in my book that is a big FU to you.