SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s 15 years since original D day of his PA while my mother was dying of cancer. My Dad was also sick at that time. I lost my Mom and her Mom 3 months apart in early 2012. Trickle truth has been awful since day 1. I found out the PA hadn’t fully ended until maybe 6 months after Dday. Found that out around the time I was caring for my Dad who passed in 2014. We’ve been under tremendous financial strain recently, he’s been unemployed and our youngest has had some legal trouble. Our daughter is going through testing to determine an autoimmune disease. My job is impossible and emotionally draining. I’ve been dealing with increased depression. He seemed off to me recently with a distance and some intimate issues and I looked at his FB search history and he had searched for AP from EA 9 years ago. When I asked him about it he said he didn’t remember. There have been random messages between them like when his father passed and she messaged her condolences to which he replied that he missed messaging with her. That triggered me so badly that I’m confused and startled. We’ve tried to do this on our own for too long. Not enough therapy. He’s being better with direct answers now after I’ve refused to just drop it. I don’t know how to trust him. But the mind movies, the racing thoughts and constant anxiety are exhausting. I’ve been in a panic state for about 2 weeks now. I saw my psychiatrist and tweaked my one med a bit and agreed to try an anxiety med again that is helping. It doesn’t stop the thoughts but has slowed them down. I’m needing to read about infidelity, searched out this group again etc. All I want to do is look for evidence. starting therapy next week. I’m also feeling clingy. It’s almost like hysterical bonding has activated? Not sexually just not wanting to be apart from him. Sounds pathetic. I kind of get the process of what’s happening to me right now. But this level of reaction to something so small is concerning to me. He says "I’m not going anywhere" and "im here". I said you were here when you did what you did.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. That is so much to have to deal with.

Of course your nervous system is in overdrive: financial strain, children with serious challenges, difficult job…and your WH who keeps breaking NC. You’re being clingy because you feel like you need to keep tabs on him.

I wish I had more to offer than virtual support. I’m worried you’re having a nervous breakdown. Is there no one in real life who you can turn to for support?

I want to offer some support but I have to run to work. But wanted you to know you are heard and send you some virtual (((hugs))).
Please find someone IRL (therapist, pastor, bestie, sister, etc.) that you can confide in.. You need a team in your corner.