SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My story starts out like everyone else.... I was blinded side. I have been married for 26 years. I wont say I didn't have clues. He had cheated on me before 15 years prior. Multiple times actually. But this one really shook me to my core. I stopped and got the mail and there was a a letter from DSS in there. I thought that was weird. I opened it and apparently my husband had a 15 year old son from another woman!!!!! I freaked out. I wanted to end it but financially I'm not capable of it at this point unless I sell everything I've build up for my family and traumatizing my seven year old son in the process. Or I could stay and try to work it out. I wanted to try and salvage my 26 years. But that was before the positive DNA test and my oldest daughter who is now no contact with not only her dad but me as well. I can take slot of things in this world but not having my daughter is literally killing me. I have never cried so hard in my life and felt much despair. I had hope. Hope that he wasn't his and hope that my daughter would at least talk to me I have no hope at all. Now I'm at a cross roads. He of course wants to work it out. Do I stay? He was it. My only love. I'm afraid I'll die alone. It has been good the past 6 months. It is Better than it had been in a very long time. But I will not have my daughter. Or do I leave? Jump head first into financial instability and lose my whole life? But I would have my girl. I'm so torn I can't stand it. My soul is literally tied.

Sister,

You don’t have to rush nor follow suggestions.

The thing you need to do is to put yourself first, to set iron boundaries that clearly outline what you want in life.

Do you want to,live in infidelity? Do you accept disrespect?

I bet no and no.

From this framework you start to draw the lines that are your boundaries.

Begin to heal, gain clarity.

Nobody ever, never ever ever, has reconciled with a cheater.

You simply cannot.

One can only reconcile with the new person that outgrown and despise the cheater.

This is step one.

Read about the 180.
Don’t keep your emotions compressed and suppressed, they need to be heard.

You have been heard

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 12:04 AM, Friday, September 25th]

Midnight1330

Now I'm at a cross roads. He of course wants to work it out. Do I stay?

I am so sorry as this is such an enormous amount to discover after 26 years and I can understand why you feel completely torn...but I do not think you have to answer the stay or leave question immediately while you are still trying to take in what you have learned.

I have also been married 26 years and found out last year about multiple betrayals from decades earlier so I understand something of that feeling of looking at such a long shared life and suddenly not knowing what any of it means anymore...

Or do I leave? Jump head first into financial instability and lose my whole life? But I would have my girl.

I think I would be careful about making either choice entirely from fear - fear of losing everything financially fear of losing your daughter or fear that you might end up alone. None of those fears are small but you deserve the chance to work out what you actually want once the shock settles a little and you have proper information about what leaving or staying would realistically mean.

Twenty six years of shared life matters but so does the reality you have just discovered and staying does not have to mean accepting what happened or carrying on exactly as before...if there is going to be any reconciliation then surely it has to involve honesty accountability and real change rather than you being expected to absorb another betrayal because so much time has already been invested.

I would also quietly get proper information about your financial position even if you have no intention of leaving today because knowing what your options actually are can make things feel less impossible than imagining the worst case scenario.

And please do not decide that being alone would mean your life is over...you are more than this marriage and more than what he chose to do. Take your time as you do not have to solve the rest of your life today.