SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Been struggling with some really heavy emotions lately. Anxiety, depression, obsessions, passive suicidal ideation, the works. I haven’t been taking my medication consistently, so I’m sure that isn’t helping.

My BH suggested I attend a sex-positive, LGBTQ-centered open event in the city last weekend, which I thought was…interesting. I wasn’t sure if he was just trying to get me out of the house to cheer me up, or if it was a test of some sort. But honestly for much of it, I either wished he was there with me, or couldn’t wait to get home to go to bed with him.

However, on the return trip, a song came on that I listened to a lot during the A. I was hit with an overwhelming wave of those heavy emotions, and as I pulled into my driveway, I had the urge to call xAP for comfort, even though I haven’t spoken to him since DDay many months ago. My husband does his best to comfort me when I feel this way, and he’s an absolute angel when it comes to supporting me through depression periods. But I just feel like maybe xAP would get it more, being a person who struggles with much of the same things, and that I would feel less guilty for burdening him with my feelings. There is also a limited number of people I can talk to about my suicidal ideation without being involuntarily committed…I shut those thoughts down right away and did NOT break NC, thankfully. I feel disgust for that man and want nothing to do with him anymore, no matter how much of a safe space he could provide. But the sudden urge in a time of weakness was kind of scary, and I’m still pondering it.

Have any other WS experienced recurring urges like this? What did you do about them?

For those BS reading, would you want your WS to tell you if they were having these urges, or just keep that to themselves as long as they don’t act on them?

Thanks in advance.

My wife had an affair, walked out, and filed for divorce less than two months later. You said your husband has been very comforting to you, yet you want to be comforted by the AP. You're not over your AP, in fact you seem obsessed with him. By not confiding in your husband about your feelings for another man, and your suicidal ideation, you're lying by omission. It's wrong to do that, and very hurtful to him. It seems that you don't respect, or appreciate your husband. I would consider your behavior deception.

My affair was almost four years ago, and I think about it everyday. Affairs are devastating to a partner. It was the absolute worst event I've ever experienced.

I might be the wrong person to respond to this post.

Maybe 😅 I hope peace and healing find you

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 2:06 AM, Wednesday, January 7th]

The issue is there is self brainwashing one does when they have an affair. Narratives that help justify the wrong and narratives that amplify the affair. Often that comes with minimized your spouse while projecting onto your Ap attributes the likely don’t even possess. There’s an article about this in the leaking library in the left, or at least there used to be.

Do that for a short period of time and you have yourself believing there is something special there or that you can rely on them better than your spouse.

I don’t know if it’s just that or if you are limerant. But you have to start dispelling the lies you have told yourself to make this all so skewed.

An affair produces a lot of adrenaline and happy chemicals due to its instability and clandestine nature. We can mistake that the ap made us feel this way, rather than the circumstances and the fantasies built around all of it.

There are some articles out there by Dr Frank Pittman that will eerily describe this predictable psychological reaction to an affair. He calls it Romantic Infidelity so use that as part of your Google search.

I was once where you are - it is almost like a sickness, because it is. You are experiencing withdrawal from all the happy chemicals you were used to flooding your brain. The ones that were created by circumstance. Because in really your AP is a wayward too with a lot of issues that will make relationships impossible for him to sustain. He is not reliable or safe at all.

You need to work hard to see all that and get this part behind you as quickly as you can —- because I truly believe you are on the precipice of putting the nail in the coffin of your marriage and likely derailing your life in a way you are going to wake up and wish you hadn’t.

One thing that may help- start digging into your whys of having an affair. Things internal to you, nothing that blames your husband or your marriage. By starting to understand the void within you that created this chaos, it will help you treat some of this. I hope you are in IC or planning to be.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:00 PM, Wednesday, January 7th]

Because you asked: As a BS I would want to know if my H was having urges to contact the xAP. Because I deserve to know what I’m dealing with, I deserve to know if I need to protect myself.
I can’t know how your BS looks at it, but to me the idea that the AP was ever anything more than a dopamine delivery device is delusional.

So yeah, if my S was a junky and I had agreed to stay with him to help him get clean, I would absolutely want to know if he was thinking of calling his dealer. Because I need to protect myself and make sure he doesn’t try to sell the family treasures again. In fact not being honest about that would be a dealbreaker.
Being honest is the opposite. Being honest, especially when it’s difficult, when it could hurt, that builds trust.

I was thinking, in the moment, that since he was emotionally supportive during the affair and has talked coworkers down from suicidal ideation before, in addition to the supposition that he wouldn't likely have me immediately committed to the looney bin, that he was a good person to reach out to about these feelings. It was also about his disposability, where I could have just dumped these feelings on him, been soothed, and hung up. Whereas if I'm putting them on my BH, it's a burden to him and takes space away from him sharing his own feelings. xAP has his own problems and struggles and I felt that sort of put him down here on my level, in that moment of self-loathing. I wanted to talk to someone who equally didn't have their stuff together, when my BH seems so... perfect and composed to me. I feel like I'm failing him, and it's not fair to him to have to support me emotionally when I have not been a good wife in return.

I did have the sense to think, "This is just going to make things worse. Don't do it," and listened to that voice instead. I stupidly sat in the car and cried for a while before going in, which made my BH anxious. He found this post and we talked through it this morning... That man is so fundamentally selfless that he started twisting himself into knots reasoning that his "insecurity" and feelings held me back from getting the support I needed, and that maybe I should have called xAP, and then I wouldn't have been so depressed and paralyzed by my depression these past few days. I was FLABBERGASTED. I had to convince him that things would not have been better if I had called xAP, that I would have felt even more disgusted by myself, that having intimate phone calls like that is not what married people are supposed to do, that his feelings are important to me, and that it's perfectly reasonable to have the NC boundary. He's not "insecure," he's having normal human emotions in response to a massive breech of trust, and he shouldn't try to repress them. I think he needs to start putting himself first more.

While I'm way past the withdrawal phase, maybe I still have a lingering association between xAP and the dopamine hit I was getting from talking to him. My neurochemistry is all manner of messed up right now, so it's very possible my brain was seeking that dopamine out. I just started a new med yesterday, so I'm hoping that helps.

Thank you for your responses.

During our conversation, my BH sort of apologized because part of him was still unable to trust that I didn't make the call, and that I didn't delete it off my phone and conceal it from him. I told him I understand why he feels that way after what I did and that it's normal, and apologized for breaking his trust and causing these feelings. I said that I expect it will take a lot of time and consistency from me to earn that trust back, and I'm willing to be patient. I thanked him for the feedback he gave me.

I remember an early session in MC from when we were still in the intensive questioning phase, and I was complaining that he didn't trust my answers to his questions, saying things like "If you're choosing to stay with me, then you need to choose to trust my answers." And the MC was ignorant enough to agree with me! I'm so grateful for this site for helping me to see how wrong that was. I feel like we're making progress now, and I'm so happy that he shared his feelings with me. It was a wonderful gift of the emotional intimacy I was craving.

Having an urge like this was really scary because I still don't fully trust myself to not give in. I guess maybe I can bank this instance as a trust point, even if my account is still in the negative. I'm hoping there are not many opportunities to earn self-trust points, but at the same time, I'm cautiously optimistic about it.

When did the affair end?

Last February

I’m not sure how you can combine disgust for your AP and also say he is a safe spot for you.
Those two things are diametrically apposed.

There is a lot of comparison between addiction and infidelity.
A very common scenario/problem with those dealing with addiction (say alcoholism) is a belief that they can control the dosage for the addiction.
They might be sober and go to AA and all that for six months, and then think "It’s OK if I only go buy one can of beer and only drink that ONE can".
Only... that one can chips at the delicate wall you are building. Your resistance to the wish for the NEXT beer will lower. Next time you might get a sixpack with the intent of only drinking one beer and then one per month... only to change it to one per week, only to change it to one per day, only to finish the sixpack on the drive home...

Contacting the AP is going for that beer...
Like the recovering alcoholic you need to totally abstain.
That includes contacting the AP, looking at AP online, mementos from AP...

Give it time, and you get rid of the addiction-behavior.

He was my affair partner, and somebody who abetted the betrayal of my husband. That’s disgusting to me. At the same time, I know that I if I was to call him, he would listen and talk me off the ledge and relate to what I’m going through.

But I know that is absolutely not an option.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 11:56 PM, Wednesday, January 7th]

For stuff like this, I told my W to call her therapist. If she didn't go NC in her head, I was out of the M anyway, so Igave her enough rope to hang herself. I knew I'd be OK whether she did or didn't.

IOW, IMO this is your problem to solve. Posting here was a great step in the direction of first, talking yourself off the ledge, and second, keeping yourself off the ledge.

You can do this, morbs. You can heal yourself. You've made a start. Keep going.

If she didn't go NC in her head

Can you elaborate on what you mean by this?

Thank you for the encouragement.

Physical NC is no communication at all. Emotional NC - 'NC in one's head' - is IMO about not wanting contact with the ap.

Some aspects of that include, getting to indifference about the ap, feeling remorse for the damage done to the ap, actively taking steps to avoid contact with the ap, etc.

I can see pining over the ap for a short while after the end of the A, and that includes wanting to break NC. That's not a crime in my book if the WS works effectively to end the desire to break NC. I can see hating the ap, if the ap manipulated the WS into the A.

But hate is still an involvement, and I'd much rather see indifference and remorse. Other BSes may have different views.

Again, feeling the desire and not breaking NC is good insight and healing behavior.

Thank you. That makes sense. Indifference seems to be a good end goal, but I will check in with my husband to see what outcome is desirable to him, just in case.

I asked him whether he would prefer I felt disgust towards xAP, as I do currently, or indifference to him. He responded with that I’m my own human being with my own feelings, and he doesn’t want me to mold them to cater to him. Nor does he think it’s possible to do that, anyway. I was stunned. Like, he’s so wise and sweet! But at the same time I was a little disappointed by his answer. I feel like it’s totally possible to shift my thoughts in order to manipulate my feelings towards somebody or something. Isn’t that what people do in therapy, after all? And why won’t he just let me do what I can to make him happy!?

He also veered off into a sort of monologue about how, basically, he realized xAP wasn’t special, and "it could have been anybody that was saying what [I] wanted to hear in order to get me to open my legs." That part kind of stung a little. He isn’t wrong, but it’s difficult for me to think back to the A and think of it as it all a farce and just a ploy to get in my pants, like I got played. It makes it easier to put it in the past if I believe that xAP did that, and maintain the feeling of disgust for him, for sure. But it feels worse, too, because that means I betrayed my husband and destroyed my marriage for something fake. I mean, I realized it was fake before, as in it was going nowhere and it was just a means of escape and validation. But not like, completely fake. Some part of me still hoped that he actually liked me for me. I’m struggling to understand how I could have fallen for that.

I know that sounds bad and I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t feeling down after that. It’s gross.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 2:24 AM, Saturday, January 10th]

From the passion you talk about you are not over your AP.

Ask yourself if you feel disgust for the AP or is in reality shame for having your BS knowing about your A.

I do not know you hence I can only pick up from how you write, that your BS is coming last in your thoughts here:

- First is your state and the urge to contact the AP

- Second is your 'disgust'(or shame) about the A, and the imposed condition to terminate it through NC.

- Third is your duty to maintain the NC and terminate the Affair.

- Last is your Husband, who sounds 'cold and logical' trying to give you forgiveness and a second chance (that nobody deserves, is a 'gift'not a 'right'), whom advice you almost conflate as "wise and smart but also gross". Another way to see him, if you have this kind of empaty, he is 'detached and logical' because is bleeding inside and that is a coping mechanism to justify why he decided to stay with you instead of divorcing you outright.

You only can see in the mirror and understand your feelings, this is what transpired from what I read, but you have the right key to understand.

It is true that dopamine masks your emotions and paints the AP into a rosy light, no idea how long your started the affair, but the dopamine high can last up to 2 years before fading.

In your case seems still ongoing.

If you can 'hear' your feelings that is a first step. What is your desire towards the AP? What emotions does this elicit? What does emotions trigger towards your emotions towards your BS? What are your emotions towards your husband. Listen to your feelings one by one, this is step one, the easiest.

The second step is harder, reexamine each feeling and absorb what it causes it: is it Validation? Is it unfilfillement? Is it detachment from one man or the other? What need are those emotions revealing?

I see you are conflicted, regulation is difficult at the beginning, but what hikingout suggested is good, there is some underlining psychological trauma or pattern that is pushing your urges right now.

You don't need to judge yourself or be judged, understand that you are not a bad person, but people who can betray their beloved ones are damaged, there is some unaddressed trauma or issue that pushes you towards what your nerve system sees as an escape.

Your Husband, if he was not damaged before, he certainly is now after your affair.

Nobody survives it unscathed, he is deeply wounded and trying to find a way to cope and justify why he still loves you

(we almost all BS do that if we keep the WS around the only 'easy' way to escape the wounds of betrayal trauma is casting the WS out your life, forever. He chose you no matter how deeply your betrayal hurt him)

.

Again there is no judgement here, this is the understanding you need to reach. Think if you do not and relapse, while you are 2 people suffering right now, you will both end up hurt even more and feeling even worse than what you are feeling now.

IF you can process your feeling and understanding the deeper issue that's urging you with clarity, then you might overcome it:

- if you can call the emotion or need correctly, name it, absorb it and clear it out --> you will find peace and the urge will fade with it

- if it turns up that you are absolutely in love with the AP and no more with your BS, then you should come clean and set both of you free: you with the OM and your husband free to rebuild his life without you. Forever this time. It will hurt, but will never damage you as much as resuming the affair.

The answer is inside you, feel it, understand it. The only real advice I can provide you is this: do not resume the affair. Understand your feeling fully, accept it, do not make it clandestine again.

Whatever the outcome you will have grown from this experience and have more clarity about yourself and your own wounds, without hurting a person who matters (your BS) and yourself more.

Good luck.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 9:28 PM, Saturday, January 10th]

From the passion you talk about you are not over your AP.

Oh no, I’m definitely over xAP. It took maybe a week or two after DDay. I’m not upset at the possibility or likelihood that he, specifically, might not have actually liked me for me. I just want to be liked by others, and it isn’t nice to feel used or lied to. Yes, I see the irony there. And as I said, I betrayed my husband… for that? I was so sure I was smarter and better than that. I feel like such an idiot!

I’m trying to dig into the "I just want to be liked part." I think that half of me likes myself— it feels proud and speaks kindly to me— and the other half is hypercritical and honestly pretty abusive. It’s a coin toss which side will be louder each day. Occasionally the hateful side will push me to improve at whatever it is I’m getting a lashing for, at least.

But doesn’t everyone want to be liked by other people? It doesn’t have to be that everyone I meet likes me, but it would be so, so nice if there was a good handful of people that did, who I could spend quality time with. Instead I just feel like an alien inhabiting someone else’s body and trying to figure out how to interact with humans. I want to experience connection, but instead I often feel alone.

On other anonymous online platforms, people often accuse me of being the opposite gender or AI, which is like a slap in the face. Even with my BH, sometimes he’ll zone out when I’m speaking passionately about something, or he’ll be repulsed by the topic. Sometimes it’s apathy on his part, which is the most saddening response for me.

Well, instead of feeling extra bad for destroying your BH for "something fake", why don't you instead have a reframe to feeling extra EXTRA bad for *not doing your ONE job* which was to protect your marriage from other men, whether they were offering you "something real" or "something fake".

You will arrive at actual remorse when you care less about what this all says about you (frankly, that is what strikes me as "gross"!) and instead about all the pain you caused **your BH**.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 1:57 AM, Sunday, January 11th]