Thanks for the many replies. I won't try to answer each point made in the several responses but I will add some important clarification.
I experienced a near fatal airplane crash (on Valentine's Day, 2022, how symbolic of my romantic life this was!!!)and was bedridden for quite a while; I experienced multiple fractures, including a skull fracture; all this resulted in several surgeries and a long, difficult recovery.
If you are interested in more details about the crash, caused by an engine failure over a forest, Google "N7337D NTSB report". I have no need to talk about it any more like I once did. There's a parallel here with processing betrayal/infidelity, no? I think that one sign of healing is when we don't need to keep mulling it over and talking about it, whether it's infidelity or airplane crashes!
ANYWAY, during all that time being bedridden or in a wheelchair, I had lots of time to ponder what truly matters in life and a way to think about the difficult things. I had LOTS of time.
During this time, I began reading the meditations written by Marcus Aurelius and found these to be a source of strength and clarity unlike anything I'd ever found before. Even though a little over 4 years had passed between D-day and the crash, I found myself applying what I'd read (and re-read, over and over) backward to the upheaval and tumult of the affair AND to the mechanic's error which caused the engine-out. These writings, over time, brought me new understanding and, eventually, a type of peace.
If you're curious about this, Google "Marcus Aurelius quotes". Note that these originally were written in Greek, about 1800 years ago, and were private thoughts; Aurelius wasn't writing to an audience but was writing things he wanted to remember himself.
The reading I did was life changing. Since it was all in Greek, anything you read will be a translation and that means that the wording varies from one time to the next as literally hundreds of translations exist; all of this is free, BTW, no copyrights!
Here are a few quotes from Aurelius that are so very applicable to recovery from traumatic circumstances (remember, he was not pontificating to others but writing TO HIMSELF things he wanted to remember). These few were especially meaningful to me:
"You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength".
"When you are distressed by something external, the pain is not primarily due to the thing itself, but to your feelings about it. Realizing this is the path to revoking the distress and this can happen in a moment if you choose".
"When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love".
"Accept the things to which fate binds you, love the people with whom fate brings you together, and do both of these with all your heart".
"Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself in your way of thinking".
"The best revenge is to be unlike he who performed the injury".
I'll add that when our minds are hijacked by the tidal waves of emotion that come with discovery of infidelity and our trust has been obliterated, the first one above ("You have power over your mind - not outside events...") isn't something we can grasp because the prefrontal cortex in the brain where our rational self exists is largely off-line. BTW, I'm a former college professor, among other things, who taught graduate level courses about brain function and behavior when trauma is present. Instead, your amygdala is in control and this part of the brain is incredibly reactive but NOT RATIONAL. So, if you're reading this and still in the emotionally hijacked state, I'd say to you that returning to calmness and rationality is the absolute most important thing you must do before making decisions. Otherwise, REALLY bad decisions may result.
One way to return to rational and calmer thinking is to ask yourself: what is in my long-term best interest? Keep asking that...because this question tends to bring your prefrontal cortex back on-line and this is where good decisions come from, not from amygdala activation.
During the confrontation on D-day, my wife delivered a threat to me from her lover to ruin me if I told his wife (!!!). I went completely crazy, contacted his wife immediately and went to his workplace (he wasn't there). There were some construction workers there; I told one I'd give him $50 if he'd call me and tell me when Corey arrived. I had some very, very violent intentions...and the worker could tell that so he told his boss who tipped Corey off. Now consider this: would what I would have done to him had I found him* been in my long-term best interest? Obviously not...but this could not see at the time because my PFC was hijacked by my amygdala. Enough of this except to say, if you're still in the stage where YOUR PFC is hijacked, there is nothing more important than returning to a calmer, rational state.
See the final quote above by Marcus Aurelius.
*-Several months later, I ran across him in a store (my wife was along and told me "OMG, that's Corey", otherwise I would not have even known. I walked up to him with my prefrontal cortex in control, unlike right after D-day, stepped a little bit in to his personal space, and told him who I was in a low voice. THE COLOR DRAINED OUT OF HIS FACE, HE STUMBLED BACKWARDS, TURNED AND SPRINTED AWAY. My wife saw this and later said "what a coward!". But, given the duplicitous nature of people in the heat/fog of an affair, later contacted him again anyway. So things go!
