SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We are about 18 months out from Dday and I am angrier than I was 6 months ago.
I know affair season is approaching quicker than I want it to and that could be part of it.
Some of you know our son (3) was also in tragic accident that required him to have amputations so add that into the mix and I feel like that and his A has made him so much more appreciative of his kids and life and I can't stand him. Seeing him be so sweet and different now makes me want to throat punch him.

Hear me out.

for TEN years he was selfish and didn't try to be a good dad , he didn't care about much of anything other than himself and at that time porn and fantasizing about other women and going on the road in rock and roll band. I begged, begged, and pleaded for him to change.

Fast forward to 18 months after his A and this horrible tragedy he is FINALLY the man I want him to be but now I hate him for it.
I find myself all the time wanting to just condemn him any chance I get (I don't).

He casually said yesterday
"The temperature dropped fast outside"

I wanted to say
"Not as fast as your pants"

I almost spit it out but I didn't I told him I was feeling mean and I needed to go to bed and he got sad but said he understood.

I mean I am ANGRY. I am hurt. We have done so much together in the past 6 months, we've cried together, built new memories, new hobbies, watched our son start to thrive , and all I can feel is anger.
I know today when he gets home I will need to leave because I don't want to be around him but I can't keep running and that is what I feel like I am doing. Most days I really just don't like him , not for who he is but for what he did to me and our family.

I know sadness and anger comes in waves but Good God, recently it has been so bad.

I think I am just venting because I don't vent to friends or family anymore because he is doing everything right and if you haven't been through it before you just don't get it. At 18 months it is still early but to others they think I should be "over it" or shoulda left.

We have a lot going on and a lot to process outside of his A, I just wonder if I will ever really like him again... some days I find everything he does annoying and I know that is probably my self defense mechanism or my gut trying to still protect me. I don't want to hurt his feelings either... which I feel like most days I do. This journey is hard and unpredictable.

I mentioned a while back I wanted to write a book about the A and he wants to help me write it. He wanted to shed light on what he did , what it did to our family blah blah. He brought it up again yesterday and was actually excited to do it and that even made me more mad. He told he me was excited because we would be doing it together and he thinks it would help us heal together and help other people. The thought of even writing anything with him right now makes me feel like I am reliving it and I am not close to be able to do that. I still have huge triggers and things I am trying to work through but I feel like I am stuck in a hamster wheel getting nowhere.

I have done IC and MC, I am not doing either of those consistently anymore. I thought about starting them back up again or even jornaling but even that makes me mad some days.

I am pretty positive he has done all he can, he has tried so hard to change for himself and us, I know now the rest is up to me.. which is even more terrifying

When does the healing process really start for the BS? How did you know you were on the right path? What major steps did you take?

Hey friend. You are in uncharted territory for me, so no help to your question. Just wanted to say I’m happy to see your name pop up.

Someone once said that forgiveness wasn’t for the offender - it was for us - to free us from the hatred that boils inside and poisons us. Unforgiveness, according to them, is like taking poison and hoping your enemy gets sick.

I know I had to struggle with this - and even to this day have to consciously forgive what my FWS did to me and our family. I wish and pray for you that you can experience some healing. I’m sure there are others who will have some better advice on how to walk this path. You describe what appears to be a truly remorseful spouse - but just in case you might want to read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" and see whether your husband has truly touched all the bases. If he hasn’t read and absorbed the principles in that book then perhaps that’s in part what has you still hung up in this pain. Blessings.

Groot you are doing amazing. What you are feeling is pretty normal I think. At 18 months I was still cycling between anger, deep sadness and outright disgust with my WH. I am 3 years from d day and am just starting to feel less anger and sadness. He was not the model WH the first year but has been since then. Very similar storyline. Very selfish into too much porn, seeking empty validation and not focused on me or the kids for ten years. It takes a toll. When I stopped putting pressure on myself to not be angry or to feel loving feelings for him I started to heal. I still do not feel the same for him. I’m still grieving. Our relationship is different. But I enjoy doing things with him at times and I’m overall more hopeful. I think it takes years of consistent loving actions by a wayward spouse with no guarantees really for either party. We don’t celebrate anniversaries or say I love you. He said that for ten years consistently while stabbing me in the back. I am only interested in actions. I know the anger is so uncomfortable. It was for me. I am not normally an angry person and I was filled with rage at him. I think the second year was actually worse than the first. Give yourself time and grace.

At 18 months I was still heartbroken. I’m not in a great place at 3 years but I’m certainly in a different place.

Funnily my husband preferred the anger. He saw it as meaning I care. My new phase is quieter, more peaceful, with less shits given. I realised it is what it is and I’ll be who I want to be for a while. If he can’t deal with it, I’m okay with that.

I asked him to post on here a year or so ago - he never did. Worried about what will be said maybe. Ironically it’s you guys who gave me hope, it’s a huge factor in why I stayed.

I don’t like my husband for what he did. I’ll never forgive him, I have no need to. His behaviour is unforgivable. I know myself well enough to say I’ll never forgive him. But I have totally forgiven myself for trusting him, staying, believing and falling apart. I did my best with the knowledge I had and I stayed true to me and my children. I am very much at peace with that. I would hug the lady who had a breakdown, I look back at her with love - I’m glad she was strong.

So have you forgiven yourself?
Do you maybe need to accept you will never forgive him? I know others do forgive. I can’t, I know I won’t forgive. Acceptance is the best he will ever get.

Triggers lessen. But mine have evolved to contempt. There’s a trigger I have 5 days a week. It’s minor but it’s always there. I used to see it and be upset. I now see it and think loser. So it changes.

I met someone with the same name. Now that new person has taken over as my first thought. Nice person who I care about.

To be honest I think writing on here helps me a lot. Maybe journaling would help?